“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha
Do you like yourself, appreciate yourself, even love yourself to some extend? I hope so! Self- love is underestimated.
A photographic illustration of self-love by monozygotic twins.
But honestly, the term self-love sounds very bad, egotistical, and selfish. Almost sickening and self-absorbed. Like Narcissus in the Greek myth, he fell in love with his own reflection in the pond.
Echo and Narcissus self-absorbed in mirroring himself at the pond. by J.W. Waterhouse (1849 – 1917)
Superficial gratification
Much of today’s social life on the net seems to be driven by an urge to be seen, admired, even envied for looks and “outstanding achievements”. For many people, Facebook functions as a marketplace for exchanging looks, photos, travels, house, family, children, and recipes, for likes.
Actor Peter Sellers demonstrating unhealthy narcissism.
There may not be any problem in exchanging experiences, activities, and likes like this. The problem arises when this activity on the net, is the main channel we have, for self-assurance or self-confirmation.
“Me”, showing off to gain “your” acknowledgment and respect
Exchanging experiences like this are most often exchanging surface qualities. A beautiful smile, very white teeth, you and I standing on a stunning cliff overlooking a deep canyon. Me with dripping water from my well-exercised chest after a plunge from the diving board. You stunningly beautiful in your black and white evening dress at the pool with a glass of champagne in your hand.
“You”, doing the same to catch “my” attention
Short-lived recognition.
Unfortunately, this way our deep craving for being loved will only be saturated for a very short period each time. Soon, “what’s up”, “what’s going on in your life”, – “anything new?”, will again force you to reproduce yourself as an ongoing and continuous success. That’s a must if you want to keep up your self-esteem and ranking in your social network.
Therefore, it’s only natural for me to advocate for a deeper kind of recognition than this. A recognition that goes beyond or below the surface. A type of acceptance that goes to your very inner core.
You’re of course lucky if you have people around you that know to love you, – come what may!
My teacher and mentor always reminded me of meeting our fellow-man with an open mind and a deep acceptance for the person in front of you. Always realizing that the person you meet is a product of birth, child-raising, environment, and of course struggle for life. Not least the person’s feelings, thoughts, and behavior is a result of the constant yearning for acceptance and love.
Children with backpacks symbolizing the “pack of love” given to us by our parents
However, unconditional love is very difficult to experience, if it’s not already there in your childhood’s backpack. Later from youth to maturity and old age and onwards, achieving love is a contingent phenomenon. You get acceptance and love if you do this and that, or have these and not those qualities as a person.
Friends forever
The exception from this pattern is hopefully your best friend. Through all kinds of situations and circumstances, – your very best and true friend, is at your side.
Best friends.
But even a best friend has his or her limitations. They have their lives, their ups, and downs, their daily toil. And they travel, work hard, get sick, have children and family themselves. I mean they are not always available.
Am I Your best friend?
Your own best friend!
The only person that you always carry with you everywhere, anywhere, all your life, – is yourself. I think that is the best reason for starting to be your very best friend in the world yourself.
Not only a casual friend, comrade, pal, or dude. But the very best and nice caring and loving person you can imagine. He or she that always stands at your side. He or she can see your limitations and comment on them, but never judge you negatively for that.
He or she that always encourages you to continue improving if you don’t succeed. He or she encourages you to continue working for the values you believe in and to realize your most important dreams.
In all kinds of weather…..
Your best friend in yourself is sincerely fond of you. Yes, he or she, really loves you and wants the best for you. He or she can hug you, embrace you and take high five with you. Your best friend in yourself recognizes and loves you, no matter what happens. And with this friendly, caring, and positive attitude inside you, you will never feel totally alone!
Deep thoughts about recognition and acceptance.
Recognition is an interesting concept, both philosophically and psychologically as well as legally! In foreign policy, your nation may recognize another nation, de facto, without recognizing it de jure. We accept (de facto) that you “Kabolia” exists as a separate nation in the world, even though we do not recognize your way of governing (de jure), your country.
In the great legacy of German philosopher W.F. Hegel, recognition is the keyword in understanding human relations or so-called interpersonal dialectics. As for contemporary philosopher Axel Honneth “The Struggle for Recognition”( 1992) is considered to be a main motivational factor in human relations. (cf. The Frankfurter School’s Critical Theory, where recognition and human dignity is discussed)
Social psychologists like G.H. Mead (1934), and relational psychologists like Jessica Benjamin (1988), and A.L. Schibbye, (2009) also use the term and concept recognition as a major part of their intersubjective theories.
Can self-love be as healthy as healthy food?
“It’s surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you’re not comfortable within yourself, you can’t be comfortable with others.” – Sidney J. Harris
The dialectics of love.
When you love yourself it’s also easier to love and truly accept other people.
Imagine yourself saying and writing “I”. Look at the “I”. How does it appear? It seems like a vertical column with a very small bar at the top and bottom. Let us imagine that this “I” is a symbol of yourself and that the upper bar is your head and the lower bar is your feet. (stretch your imagination beyond the usual if it’s too difficult to see)
The letter “I” symbolizing the vertical relation between your head and your self and body
In between the little upper bar and the lower bar is your body. Your chest, heart, stomach, abdomen, thighs, knees, and legs. Imagine that your head has a psychological relation to all this below your neck. And that you send not only likes and thumbs up to this vertical body of yours. You send genuine recognition and love.
Unconditional love like a mother and father to their beloved daughter and son. As parents, they love this “creature” no matter how he or she is or what happens. And looking into his or her wonderful eyes of innocence and expectance, they just can’t help loving this child.
The open eyes of a child
Now it is your turn to practice this love vertically on yourself!
Say aloud or silent, that you are very fond of and even love this self that nature has given you. Remember no one else can live your life other than yourself, walk your path in life, make the choices you do, solutions you make. And no one else than you can be your psychological judge.
If it’s hard to generate this love for yourself, then ask why? Why do I experience it so hard to say; I love you. Perhaps you feel that you have never learned the art of self-recognition. Nobody has taught you. Shame on them!
Then don’t fall into the same ditch yourself by continuing not to send yourself acceptance and love. Do you say it’s egotistical? No, it is absolutely not egoistical or narcissistic! It’s accepting the whole person you are with the shortcomings the limitations and even some really bad traits of yours.
Not to accept yourself in spite of flaws and shortcomings is denying reality, and it is not trying hard enough in the art and dialectics of love. As I interpret Srecko Horvath in his reflections on love and politics, today very few people are prepared for or interested in the hard work of regenerating love, after the period of intense romance.
That goes for political ideas as well as partnership and marriage. People walk from one relationship to the next, on repeat! Or as I experience, stay put on the internet fishing for likes.
The letter”Y” symbolizing the horizontal relation between yourself and others
Now, if you manage to recognize and love yourself vertically, you will very soon experience an opening up of love horizontally towards others. This is the dialectics of relations and love.
What you do to yourself you will also, in some way, do to others. In our example, the vertical “I” that is loved, forms into a much more horizontal “Y “ in You, with bars that stretch like accepting hands towards the other. Strengthening your capacity for self-love will also strengthen your capacity for loving others.
Self- love in this variant is underestimated, I argued at the beginning of this text! Taking into consideration that we’re not talking about mere narcissism and blind self-infatuation, – do you agree?
Then do something with it this very day, and keep it up for the rest of your life.
