“In rather big words, we can say that; Life is holy, Life is nature’s gift to us. Some will also say that it’s God’s gift to both ourselves and our parents. Then it seems contradictory that so many want to give away this gift, leave life, preferably die. According to the WHO, worldwide one of us takes his or her life every 40 seconds. About three times more men than women.”
Many uf us feel this despair.
You may yourself know in your circle of friends or family, someone that have chosen this tragic solution. I do. You may even yourself have had such thoughts, but never acted upon it. Most people have. Worldwide, according to some uncertain statistics, there are most suicides in Guyana in South America, – about 40 self- killings each year, per 100,000 inhabitants. Then North Korea, and South Korea, with 38.5 and 28.9, respectively, suicide per. 100,000.
Contrary to this gloomy picture, according to WHO’s statistics, Antigua and Barbuda have no registered suicide. Barbados apparently has only 0.3 people who kill themselves each year per 100,000, Pakistan 3.1 Norway 9.3 and the United States has according to WHR, Worlds Health Ranking, 12.8 per 100,000 residents. In another overview, Greenland is at the top of the suicide statistics worldwide with 116.9 deaths out of 100.000 Greenlanders.
Many feel abondoned in life, and want to abandon it.
But these are statistical numbers, some gloomier than others, but anyway they are numbers and not “living people.” However, if you are from a country with relatively few suicides, and yet have lost a parent, brother or sister, boyfriend or friend, there is little comfort in the fact that the suicide rate is low. I weekly meet many who do not want to live more.
These people, or rather our colleagues in managing life as best as they can, touch and engage me! And they have my full respect. That does not mean I am glorifying such a fundamental and irreparable act that suicide implies. But I always try to make the persons I’m talking with, to understand why there’s been such a serious darkness in their life.
Only that way I think it’s possible to recognize the desire to get away from it all. This is a wish, that usually always is accompanied by shame, difficult and contradictory feelings or bad conscience. That alone, does not make the desire to die less.
An open dialogue, a true conversation.
It’s the open dialogue about all these hurting, contradictory feelings, and the conversations about life and death, thoughts, feelings, and actions, that makes the red thread in the relationship. It’s through this dialogue that we together try to make a new foundation in life, or a new leg to stand on. Admittedly both unstable and awkward at the start, unfortunately very often for a much longer time than that too.
Nevertheless, we develop a dialogue that makes it possible to feel less alone with what really hurts in life. And also the reasons why the person wants to abandon it. It is also meant to be a conversation that will enable you to look at yourself, your feelings, thoughts and actions in a new perspective.
A New leg to stand on.( Museum of Broken Relations, Zagreb)
Why do you want to die?
Suicide has many causes. Serious physical pain and incurable illness may be two of them. You may also be so angry with somebody close that you not only want to get away from them, but also want to punish them with guilt and shame.However, this is not a very common cause.
People like you and me, fortunately not yet in these statistics
You may also feel harassed and injured, beaten and abused, and think that the reason for this is your own mistakes and deficiencies. This kind of causes occur much more often. Or you can be degraded and bullied at school and in your job to an extent that makes you sure that nobody likes or loves you anymore. You may also have begun to hate yourself, not least your appearance, that part of you that the others first notice when they meet you.
Strong self-reproach
What do Professionals and non- Professionals think about the problem of suicide.
When therapists and health professionals and a sample of the population in Norway were asked what they meant caused suicide, there were very few who emphasized relationship issues as decisive. (Hjelmeland, H. and Knizek, B. L. 2010)
Hjelmeland and Knizek claim that surprisingly many in the field of mental health care (students, nurse assistants) believe in the myth that it increases suicide danger to talk about suicide. Fortunately, the survey showed that the majority of the interviewed meant that suicide could be prevented by conversation.
An example of a therapeutic conversation that seems to work
Here the researchers emphasize that the prerequisite for such a conversation lies in establishing an understanding alliance where there are no limits to what can be talked about. Then, it’s very important that the therapists know their own attitudes to people with suicidal problems. This is so because it will affect both the conversation and the outcome of it. (Ibid.) The fact however that so few in the survey put great emphasis on relationship problems, troubled at least me.
A relational perspective on the issue of suicide
Thomas Joiner and his book about suicide
Psychology professor Thomas Joiner, on the other hand, thinks otherwise. In his theory of suicide, he emphasizes relational causes as two of the three most important triggering factors. The ground floor of suicidal thoughts is intense mental pain, or “psychache”, as he calls it. (Joiner, T. 2010)
This pain is linked to the feeling of being a heavy burden on the people around you. Secondly, this pain is associated with the experience of lacking belonging to anyone or a group. You feel isolated, and all alone with yourself in the world. The third factor of Joiner is fearlessness. You are not afraid to die. And several times you have been close by.
The experience of a serious psychic wound ,ending in a dramatic relational shock. ( Museum of Broken Relations, Zagreb)
Freedom of Choice?
Then shouldn’t you and I be allowed to decide for ourselves whether we want to live or die? In general, I support this principle. I will never blame anyone for having decided to die. As I’ve already said, there are always very personal reasons why someone desires to abandon life.
But from my experience, the problem of suicide and suicidal attempts is that such destructive actions represent some kind of harsh networking, ie intersubjective actions involving a whole network of people around the one who decide to die.
As such, this becomes a form of raw communication, where the communicator never hears the response.
Unfortunately he or she will never hear your response if you really knew why he did not manage to live anymore.
When the main character in the relational drama disappears.
And when the main character in this drama leaves or is lost, it becomes much more difficult to find out what human feelings this family, these relatives and friends have triggered within the suicidal or dead member. This knowledge would however, seem very important to obtain for all the affected individuals around the “main character”.
Not least, it would be important for the dead to experience that the others really understood how he or she had experienced life towards the end. Secondly, it would be necessary to get confirmation from the others that, because of what they now knew about the main character, it was no wonder that the desire to die had been so strong.
In addition, it would be crucial to hear that the others regretted what they had contributed to making life so unbearable. That’s of course how we professionally can work with the family and network, where the suicide attempt does not end with death. In advance, we need to have acknowledged and related to suicidality in our thinking, as a problem developed in an interpersonal setting. Then it will follow naturally to try to solve the problem in the same relations, – before the protagonist chooses to leave it for good.
And yes, in this perspective the originally Greek tragedy figure, the protagonist, can be conceived as a character bringing forward some knowledge that the whole group, the antagonists and the choir need to know. And if you are completely alone in the world without family and friends, the therapist or the group must in the start function as your network, until you are confident enough to associate with new friends or collegues.
Before all this, the first step back to life can be that a friend or colleague or a any person available, dares to talk to you. Perhaps also a non-overly involved relative, or family member.
Just a small sense of being understood can create an experience of not being altogether a strain to others, and entirely alone in the world. That in itself, may reduce the risk of new attempts.
Feeling a little bit less sad and lonely after a friend’s visit and some conversation. Can you and I be such a friend?
As a psychologist, following the line of thinking above, I think the way forward can be improved by professional guidance as well. Both individual therapeutic conversation and/or family related and group based conversation. These conversations should be led by a professional who can communicate, both with you and possibly other key members in your circle of apparent friends.
Yet, the persons closest to you on a daily base, are far the most important, in this life of yours that ultimately has become unbearable. It is the people, it’s us that you most often encounter, that can make difference.
Talking to you when you’re down, is to stretch out a hand. Reminding you that we can be together in this. And you, who don’t want to live anymore, also have an important message to this rather sparse network around you. You have in fact been caught up with some hopelessness that is not just about your own depression.
In my experience, there are more persons around you, carrying some of this pain in secret.
Talk together!
Starting to talk about this through your experiences, is beginning to heal not just yourself, but your whole network. Therefore, your story is not only important to be shared and confirmed for yourself. It is equally important for the others, so that they understand their own history and their limitations.
“Melancholy,” by Edvard Munch.
This may sound rather harmless when I put it this way. But it does not feel like this when you’re in the middle of a crisis.
Then it may feel much more dangerous than throwing yourself from a cliff or an airplane. If a conversation about suicide feels worse than being killed in a fall, I can tell that, with a therapist on your back as a conversational guide, you’re jumping with a parachute that most likely will open before you crash into the ground.
Believe it or not, – your absolutely worth it! I can tell from many years experience with people that had totally lost belief in themself and the world, – but still live today, very glad they didn’t end it when they originally had planned to. Still uncertain? However, – give yourself an opportunity to test this claim of mine! Tired, depressed, sad and lonely? Start at ground zero.