Article

A parent’s gravest betrayal and deceit

When the children’s biggest protector, mistreat her own child at home.

Few psychologists have meant more to public education about destructive child rearing than Alice Miller. Miller was an internationally renowned Swiss psychoanalyst. Already from her first two books “The drama of the gifted Child” (1979) and “For your own good!” (1980) to “The Body never Lies”(2004), she pointed out the connection between mental and physical disorders in adulthood, and humiliation in childhood. As Alice Miller is mentioned in Wikipedia: “She describes how adults cover their own needs by tormenting and teasing children, be it through physical punishment, sexual abuse, circumcision.”

Alice Miller, by famouspsychologists.org

Huge influence on lay people and professionals.

For her contributions, Alice Miller has received a host of readers and admirers worldwide. Nor is there any doubt that her theories of the origins of mental disorders extend psychoanalytic understanding of the meaning of trauma, and the result of their denial into adulthood.

Her own hidden pain and trauma.

But what about her own childhood trauma in Poland as a Jew during World War II. It is now 75 years since Auschwitz was liberated by the Soviet Army. We know that Hungarian and Polish Jews were the ones who suffered most, and lost most of their own, as a result of the Jewish exterminations in Europe. How did little Alicija Englard, as she was baptized, cope with these cruel strains.

Jewish Children of Polen , in Polish Nazi Camp, by The New York Times

According to Alice Miller’s own son, Martin Miller, she split herself off from her own childhood destiny. Thus she lived a double life. Outwardly, she was a beacon and fan bearer for the needs and rights of children, and an intense judge of the often unconscious oppression of adults. Inwardly, – in her own home, she was herself the great oppressor and torturer, according to her son.

Martin Miller with mother Alice and father. from Miller’s private photo collection

Professionally on top. Privately, – in the bottom layer of parenthood.

Academically and theoretically, Alice Miller’s work was fully in line with international theoretical research. Her understanding of the link between punishment in education and inflicted trauma, and later mental and physical disorders in the adult, is indisputable. Here she showed examples of how gruesome upbringing Hitler’s father inflicted on his son Adolf, and why Christiane F’s fate, as well as a famous serial killer, became the way they became. (Alice Miller 1980) But Alice Miller could not live by her thoughts and theories, because she totally denied her unhappy childhood.

“If I had told this about my mother while she was alive, she would have sued me,” says son Martin in an interview (see video link at bottom of page). If, on the other hand, the son of another psychoanalyst had said this about his mother, my mother would cheer and contact him with all kinds of praise, Martin Miller continues in the interview.

Martin Miller, son of Alice Miller.

What parents say they do when they raise their children, often does not match what they actually do.

When I was a teacher in psychotherapy and family therapy at the University of Oslo, video recordings of role play and treatments of real patients was mandatory. This is for the students to see themselves in action, and not just afterwards describe what they thought they did in the therapy session.

The University of Oslo. Samfunnsviteskapelig fakultet.

This is because there is not always consistency between what you think you did, and what you actually did. Discovering this difference and getting guidance and recognition for becoming aware of our blind spots, is important for anyone who wants to work professionally with people. The same goes for the specialist training later.

Video recordings has been crucial in demonstrating the difference between said and done.

Tape recording or video is required for the guidance of professionals to be relevant. In infant research, video recording has been invaluable in getting parents to see themselves in action with their infants.

Austin video surveillance, Just an illustration

The same has been the case in American family therapies, where parents have described their behaviors to adolescents! Video footage from their own home has shown something quite different from what the parents have described in therapy.

The two faces of a split person. A symbolic illustration of outside and inside.

Can we learn from the story of Alice Miller and her son, and the demonstrable difference between what people say they do, and what they actually do?

I think it is very limited what we learn from reading about something, even though we acquire facts. One thing is to remember what we have read. Quite another thing is to learn to live by it, if we believe that knowledge should be put into action. There are many obstacles here. But of course, an article or book can give us a kick in the butt, and get us started on a private little “local journey of research” in the area.

Family on the wihte background

Perhaps the smartest thing to do is to go indirectly. Professionals like me, who work with mental health on a daily basis, should certainly ask ourselves if we live at home as we preach outside and treat people professionally. Then we must see how our children are doing, what they are struggling with, what unconscious burdens we may have inflicted on them.

We should also find out which topics in psychology we are most interested in and concerned about. This can say something about our own challenges and blind spots. Are we also split like Alice Miller? With “a split face!”

Splitting in two halves, illustration from janeriwaa.

As parents we should check what is provoking us, what we are particularly upset about, and what we care about, or couldn’t care less about. We should also ask ourselves what repeated dreams and nightmares we have. What chronic ailments in the body, and what causes us headaches. Do we try to dampen inner turmoil and indeterminate life pain, with alcohol and drugs, even bizarre sex.

All such indirect reactions can say something about what unresolved relational problems and traumas we carry with us. . And precisely because we cannot hide from our loved ones, that witch most deeply afflict us, – except in what we say, – this darkness will manifest itself in the way we treat our children.

Recognizing our underlying vulnerability.

If, unlike Alice Miller, we accept our deeper pain in life, and possible trauma…. Yes, if we acknowledge that this is something we have been inflicted on in life, then we are already well on our way to counteract the harmful effect this may have on others. In other words, we must allow ourselves to have come from a family, kinship or war situation with a strong negative impact on us. We must acknowledge that this is not at all our fault as children! But as we grow into adults ourselves, we are totally responsible for not continuing passing the hurt forward to our children.

Kevin Spacey and Haley Joel Osment in the movie: “Pass it forward”

This is Alice Miller’s deep and true knowledge and message to us. Unfortunately, she failed to live by it herself, because her underlying self-esteem must have been so fragile that she could not acknowledge her childhood destiny. But does this mean that her thoughts and theories are useless?

Shall we throw Alice Miller on the scrap heap?

The English philosopher Bertrand Russel said something about philosophers that can also apply to Alice Miller, the German philosopher Heidegger and many of us others. “During the day we build and live in magnificent philosophical castles, but in the evening we stroll down to the small concierge house.”

Little cottage, by Great Oceans Road Holdidays

This does not mean that the works they have created are not highly relevant. They may have been driven by a kind of burning insight into something that is highly relevant to both them, science, and the general public! Something very important to mankind, which they in their own generation failed to live by.

Castle by matadornetwork.com
A short interview with Martin Miller: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=768c6rukXTs
An interview with Alice Miller in german, with french translation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlxj-V-ihTY&list=PLpDWYTxyxBjAqsm3OdUbrAyt9HmCSe-qc
A two part interview by NRK, with A.E. Andersen as the interviewer. https://tv.nrk.no/serie/i-begynnelsen-var-oppdragelsen/1987/FOLA02009387/avspiller
Miller’s published books in English:
Martin Miller’s book about his mother:

Das wahre „Drama des begabten Kindes“. Die Tragödie Alice Millers. Freiburg im Breisgau 2013. (The truth Drama of the gifted child” Alice Miller’s Tragedy.

A child’s constant disappointment, from unknown source.