Part I. From big concepts to small simple words.
In some countries, you can be persecuted, imprisoned, or killed when opening your voice about politics or religion. Not even inside your own family you can say what you mean without risking being condemned, rejected, or expelled.
In other countries, however, there are almost no limits to what you can say or do, without anyone really caring. You have all kinds of rights and freedoms, and still you do not feel free.
Fundamental rights as human beings.
Freedom and certain fundamental human rights are unequivocally linked. These are “The Big Human Rights Declaration” about human inviolability. Rights of any person, regardless of race, gender, religion or other status. These universal rights primarily address the relationship between the individual and the state. (UN Human Rights Declaration of 1948)
– Small scale human rights.
On a much smaller scale the Humanist Virginia Satir launches in her Family Therapy Book what I would call “The Small Human Rights Declaration.” (Satir, V.1964) Contrary to the above-mentioned broad United Nations Declaration, Satir’s so called “five freedoms”, apply first and foremost to the relationship between the individual and the family, between you and me.
I have chosen the three most relevant in our context here:
- The freedom to say what you feel and think, instead of what you “should” feel and think.
- The freedom to feel what you feel, instead of what you “ought” to feel.
- The freedom to ask for what you want, instead of always waiting for permission.
Virginia Satir and her Five freedoms
How do we communicate this freedom? (An everyday example)
Melanie and Colin are holding hands, sitting on a train to the airport Heathrow. For her thirtieth birthday Colin has given his sweetheart a trip to Paris for two. It has cost him a lot more than he can afford, and he has been rather worried about their economy in Paris. Colin however has tried to keep these worries for himself and instead share Melanies joy of their forthcoming holiday.
Melanie and Colin or Elisabeth and Philip (ill. photo)
Sitting on the train close to Melanie, Colin is also very pleased this morning. Forgotten are also his financial concerns. Melanie smiles with her whole body and leans towards him looking through the train window. She grasps for Colin’s hand while seeing a beautiful villa, with a large garden, swimming pool and a poplar lane that leads up to the main road a distance away. “Colin, look at that beautiful house and the big garden,” she says. – Imagine if we could live in such a place. Our children could play in the lovely park, – you and I in the pool in the evening, all the parties, functions .” Melanie gets lost in her dream.
“I think you should concentrate on what we have now, and our trip to Paris,” Colin replies. Melanie gives a sudden start, his voice sounded so hard. She pulls her hand back and lowers her head, and gets very quiet. After a while Colin straightens up looking at her. – Hey you, what’s up, then? “Nothing,” Melanie cries out. “I thought you should be happy today,” Colin says. She does not answer. “But I was wrong,” Colin adds. Then he pulls away from her. After a new long break with eyes closed, and a face almost mimics, Melanie sets herself up. – I don’t care for this trip.I want to go home!
What happened to the young couple( just an illustration)
What happens to this young couple, who suddenly turns into an older bitter one? (no reference to the photo above) Why do they fall out with each other on a day they both could enjoy. Shouldn’t they both give each other the right to speak openly. Shouldn’t they both give each other some of the freedoms Satir talks about? I will come to this later in the article.(to be continued)
Where are the roots of the universal concept of freedom?
The way we meet others through life is something we largely learn as children. Do you have a threatening and bullying father, and a cautious elusive mother, there are great chances that you will either be elusive and submissive or as bully and threatening as your father. This does not require a diploma in psychology to see.
We learn to communicate and behave the way we ourselves have been treated as children. If the relationship is characterized by great respect for our distinctive character, with unconditioned love and recognition, this is an attitude that makes it easy for us pass forward to others later.
The same will unfortunately also apply for relationships of indifference, lack of presence, or invasive overprotection.
– Performance orientation, and being ruled by external pressure.
Even if communication seems positive, parental acceptance that is mostly linked to performance, recognition might be experienced to be superficial. Much quality control and external pressure will easily lead to uncertainty and doubt about one’s real value as a person. Taught competitiveness and a self-esteem mostly relying on the child’s performance, will most likely lead to a stressful way of life later in life.
Performance orientation or just fun?
Performance-oriented communication seems to be very typical for the present western mentality. Making children into objects for parent’s self-realization and family success, is a risky business however. It may, to some extent, strengthen external recognition and self-esteem. But what about the inner recognition and self-accept?
Asian student under pressure
What about the freedom to be accepted and loved when you do not perform? Unfortunately, children and adolescents in our culture experience this external pressure going beyond both health and well-being.
Part II. Children as subjects in their own right.
Fortunately, though, there is also another way of dealing with the child’s achievements. Here is an example:
- In kindergarten, Elias and his four-year old friend is playing joyously. They jump down from a table and land in a bunch of pillows. “Look at me now,” Elias shout to the preschool teacher. The adult directs all her attention for the moment, to Elias. With all her face, she shares his little horror bliss and joy in the leap. “Well, you almost fly Elias! That really looked fun!
– We notice that she does not concentrate on the performance, – how far or high he jumps, or as good he seems to jump, the authors comment. – Instead the grown-ups tune into the emotion of Elias, seek to recognize it,in its own right, and share and confirm that. Here she recognizes Elias. She gives value to his experience. (Løvlie Schibbye & Løvlie 2017, p.58)
A clear criticism of today’s lack of respect for the inviolability of the child.
The example above is taken from the new book “Du og Barnet,- om å skape gode relasjoner med barn.(“You and the Child,- about creating good relationships with children”).It is written by A.L Løvlie Schibbye, and Elisabeth Løvlie, and recently published at the Aschehoug University Publishing
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In “You and the Child” the authors try to show how you can relate to children and get a true experience of their own inner world. Infant and child research has proven that a child’s experience of himself relies on the fact that the adult recognizes and mirrors his or her experiences, expressions and intentions.
This positively confirmative relation seem to be the only possibility for the child to get a true relationship with himself. Therefore, as the authors point out, there must be ample room for such encounters that gives the opportunity both for adults and children to experience mutual presence. For that reason, these “moments to moment” encounters must not be instrumental, with one goal in sight, to make the child eat up her food, go to bed, or get ready for kindergarten. The communication and presence should be there for its own sake, for the sake of the moment, and for the participants own part.
– Encounters that unite the child’s inner and outer world in a you and me, – and a, – WE.
Such encounters between adults and children, whether it concerns mother and father, kindergarten assistants or grandmother, will be a kind of stop in time – and the target oriented production-flow. A communicatory place where two living, feeling and experiencing human beings meet in some sort of a a “moving now.” Here moving is not connected to production and targeting. It is the feeling of being understood just as you are, through a “we”, sharing events and mutual experiences here and now.
These are moments where the two, through the child’s experience, and the adult’s response, get the opportunity to really get to know each other. Only through such close encounters the true recognition of the other may take place. Only this way grown-ups can give the child an inner confirmation of itself. This happens through the ability to share his or her emotional expressions and experiences with the adult.
Mutual recognition
But not only the child may be recognized and confirmed in this way. It may also represent the foundation of genuine mutual recognition between parents, other grown-ups and the child. Such strong encounters are unfortunately rare in a busy time like ours. Nevertheless they are absolutely necessary, to help the child to get a grip of itself in many different situations. It is only these relationship experiences, face to face with the child, and through body language and a careful open-minded word exchange, that may bring about a full recognition of the child’s adventurous world.
-When turning off the “light”.
The book provides many good examples, like this one with little Fredrik who is on one of his first expeditions with the kindergarten.
- The Long chain of toddlers has just passed a digger: “Look!” He says with sparkling excitement, “a tractor!” /From our perspective, this is a clear invitation to share enthusiasm, fascination and joy, the authors say. But the adult who walks in front does not stop. She continues to walk and answers with a flat voice: “It’s not a tractor there, Fredrik, it’s an excavator or digger.” The little boy falls a bit apart and his excitement seems to have ebbed out. He turns a little confused about the fine yellow excavator.
- The adult may have had a bad day or she may have had good educational purpose, – to learn Fredrik the difference between a tractor and a digger. The sad thing from our perspective is that the boy’s initially joyous outbursts, are almost ravaged by the response of the adult. “(Rev., pp.25-26)
“Every day a little death”, how this can be experienced in grown ups. (orig. lyrics and music by Stephen Sondheim).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Snru5gtCyWA&list=RDSnru5gtCyWA&index=1
I have often thought that being young, growing and maturing, involves a certain kind of slow death. Not primarily physical. Mostly that kind where the enthusiasm of exploring the world with an open eye dies away. That kind of joy in meeting others with the child’s vitality and trust, being honest about what you feel and experience on the inside. When being a child, you usually stretch your arms towards the world wanting to embrace it with all your heart.
– The child exploring the world with all it’s senses.
If you don’t grasp everything you come across, looking at the faces of the adults with clear, wide-open eyes, – you crawl along, going high and low. You touch, taste and smell the world. Not least, you seek security and confirmation that your playful exploration of the world, is fully legitimate and good. This has nothing to do with ignoring things that can threaten the child’s security both at home and outside.
Primarily it’s about not condemning the child’s intentions and playful part taking in life. It’s about recognizing the exploring child’s feelings and actions for what they are. I see you, listen to you, believe in you, and recognize you. In practice, much of the book “You and the child” deals with giving the child confidence and trust in all the different feelings that may arise at daytime. For example, when you are new at the nursery, a bit out of it at school, and when mom and dad get stressed home from work, and when in excess, your sister is in heartbreaking love trouble.
Interestingly, the authors believe that, in these genuine meetings between adults and children, adults can also learn much about themselves. This is because of the so-called reciprocity effect of encounters between equals.
Part III.
(Give yourself a break here, the text may appear demanding)
The subject-subject perspective.
The reciprocity and equality at question, does not refer to the child and the adult being fully equal in terms of roles and responsibilities. Equality here, lies in the fact that both are perceptive, vulnerable, and existentially striving human subjects. They are both subject to the ubiquitous longing for recognition.
Recognition for the one you are, regardless of age and background. Here the authors refer to philosopher Hegel’s concept of “the desire” seeking for recognition through the encounter with the other. And above all it’s not primarily seeking an external confirmation of your “facebook value”. Such recognition fades quickly and can probably never be met.
It is how to satisfy the longing for inner recognition in a relation, that the authors try to exemplify throughout the book. It is the opportunity to discover and acknowledge who you and your child are in its deepest sense, that seems to be the purpose and aim of this book. The same are all the lively encounters it describes along the way. The focus however, is on the child. But the adults’ or parents own relationship to themselves and their experiences with the child, will always be part of the child’s outer and inner experiences of himself.
– Key concepts in understanding relationships.
The enlightening examples from everyday life, and from children’s and adult literature, are of great help for the reader to recognize situations. At the same time the authors offer you some key concepts for understanding what really happens psychologically inside a relation and inside the participating subjects. Experience, sharing, reflection, attachment, sorting, wonder, recognition and self- delineation. (See: http://anerkjennelse.com)
These concepts are largely developed within the relational psychology of Anne Lise Løvlie Schibbye, one of the authors. (Cf. “Relationships,” 2009, and “The Family, Forces and Opportunities”, 1988) It is also used in several contexts in books on literature by Elisabeth Løvlie. (Cf. “Silence and Noise,” 2006, “Believe in Literature,” 2013)
– The brain must interact with other brains.
There is also references to brain research that started in the early 2000s. Also on a neuro-psychological basis it seems to exists a clear interaction between the child’s and the adult’s brain. When the child lacks relationship experiences with close caregivers, or the quality of the relationship is poor, this is proven to damage the development of the child’s brain.
– You can’t talk to children in the same way as you talk to adults.
Children are much more present to the here and now, than grown-ups. They exist in the immediate present with all their body and emotions, most often without words and explanations. This is also the reason why it is often difficult for us to tune into them on their own wavelength. Instead they communicate to us with their vitality and enthusiasm and the mood they find themselves in. Not with descriptions, justifications and explanations of what is happening to them.
With a metaphor, many of us experience our interaction with children as an initially joyful, nice and open path. We follow the child a long way ahead, and it feels good for quite a while. Then suddenly it seems as if the path bends off, and gets very crooked. In no time, we get stuck in a bush with obviously no return.
What’s happening then? In this turmoil and stress, it’s easy to blame the child. Give her or him negative labels and definitions. Or just say; “What did I say about climbing in that tree. Hey, listen up now …. you promised to return home for dinner when I called you.
The authors are careful to emphasize that as grown-ups we aren’t always able to catch up with the child. Understandably we make mistakes from time to time. When however, we notice on the child’s behavior that we have derailed, it’s a comfort that we can repair the damage and get on track again. This nevertheless presupposes that we are aware of how a child might express his feelings in different situations.
– To know your own boundaries, differentiating between you and the child, you and the other.
If we had ready access to the time when we were in a similar situation ourselves as children, we would have remembered the feeling and the sometimes despair we ended up in. That’s a good starting point tuning in a child’s experience. At the same time, if we realize that we mix our own need for efficiency, with the child’s need to be in the good flow of play and exploration, it is even better.
Then we can also recognize how fun it is for example to play vigorously in the bath tub, late at night. At the same time, we can put an end to the splashing by lifting the child out of the tub reminding him of bedtime. Perhaps we can explain that it will be too late for dad to read on the bedside, if we don’t manage to get the pajamas on soon enough. Thus, we have both confirmed the child’s right wishing to continue swimming around in the bathtub, while at the same time setting a limit for how long.
– Profound encounters as opposed to superficial ones.
Superficial meetings with people can be stressful, tedious and annoying. That is mostly because they are not a goal in themselves, or meant to get the people involved to know each other better. Usually you want to get finished or go elsewhere. Such meetings therefore, easily lock, or give the participants little psychological nutrition.
More genuine encounters are not without intensity and nerve. But the nerve is of a completely different quality than in superficial meetings. It goes to the core of what you feel, at the root of the actual experience. When contact is established in such situations, silence often occurs.
It’s like when a migratory bird with a large wing- span has flown for many days and suddenly ends its flapping. It recognizes a long time longed for familiar landscape underneath. Maybe without even knowing this in advance. Finally, it can land on this long-awaited foundation. When the migratory bird have touchdown, and get solid ground underneath its feet, it has finally come home! Just like the child’s experience, longing for recognition and acceptance.
Experiences are somewhat like birds, usually volatile and floating. They must literally land to retrieve themselves. But the only way to land safely is to have another experiencing and conscious “I” there to land with. This is vital for our self-esteem, whether being a child or an adult.
– Towards a deeper understanding of the most important ingredients in meeting with people.
Psychological Universe has for a long time been looking high and low for a new and truer image of man. We know that the outwardly successful celebrities and power people with access to the media convey one fascinating but also dangerous picture of us. But we certainly need other human models to live up to than these few.
To know in what direction we should look, however, we need contributions towards a deeper and more detailed understanding of what matters most to us in in life and in relation to others. When it comes to relations, the book “You and the child” is an important contribution in that direction. Not only does it provide a simplified theoretical understanding of children. It also offers a toolbox in the form of key concepts to translate this understanding into practice the next time we meet a child.
According to the authors, we must be able to see beyond all the external activity in the encounter with the child. We must be sensitive to the child’s own experience of the situation. We must try to see the child, from his or her own point of view. We must also try to listen to the child, behind the words. Not least, we must acknowledge and confirm what the child communicates in meeting with us. This is easiest for us when we at the same time manage to distinguish between our own needs, and the child’s needs here and now. In addition, as mentioned above, it may be very useful to invite the child in us, to try to remember when being in a similar situation ourselves once back in time
– To listen behind the words.
- “Thomas is three years old and attends one of his first outside trips with the kindergarten. When they have walked away a few hundred meters, it comes out loud and clear from the boy: “Now we are far from the nursery, now!” No one answers. No one is listening. He repeats his observation. Still no answer. Thomas does not give in. Finally, a little girl in front of him answers: “Yes, now we are far from the nursery, now Thomas …!” It seems to reassure him, and he hurries on. “(Rev., p.66)
- No adults follow up the boy’s comment, the authors continue, wondering how we could best answer this little boy. By imagining several possible inner scenarios in the boy, a way to answer him would take the starting point in an association.
Perhaps Thomas was a bit unsure because he did not quite have an overview of what will happen when Mom was coming to pick him up, and he’s on a trip. Perhaps he wasn’t sure if they were going back to the nursery at all. Perhaps he needs an extra assurance of what’s going on now and in the nearest future. Something like:
-When we get into the woods, we’ll sit down to eat. Then we’ll sing a little, look at the trees and maybe the ants who build big turrets. Afterwards, we will go back to the nursery where mom or dad is coming to pick you up. /This would be a way to ensure the boy’s sense of safe connection even for an unknown new reason.
– Narrow or spacious rooms to share, – and to think inside.
Philosopher Kierkegaard should once describe the meaning of the concept “Spirit” Somewhat simplified, I translate his answer here:
“What spirit is? Spirit is the Self! Then what is the Self? The Self is a relationship. A relationship that relates to itself or that in a relationship that relate to itself.” (kfr. Kierkegaard “Sygdommen til Døden”, s.87, published 1849)
This Kierkegaardian expression of the Spirit and the Self describes, in my opinion, the Trinity we are concerned about here. Not only do you and the child form two separate individuals. The two also constitute a relationship. This relationship relates to both you and the child, and this mutual we, that experience something together.
Trinity also refers to a relationship that reflects on the individual’s contribution to, and the conditions for this relationship, through the consciousness and demarcation of the adult. This in turn creates something I call a three-dimensional space for the meeting. And at this point, the psychotherapist in me is talking. Because in such a room there is space for both the child and the adults’ experiences and thoughts.
This is so whether the child is your son or daughter or your patient who needs to pick up some forgotten experiences and hidden memories from a childhood that sadly enough were too cramped to accommodate them.
From the right to be a child, – to Human Rights.
Everything begins small, I think. But we know that level of “the small” is largely characterized by the level of “the big”. That is the nation, the culture, and the community. Even the family traditions we grow up in. The question then is where to begin. Good cultural and political changes take quite a time. Perhaps we not only as parents and relatives, must hold for sacred the small moments we have with the children around us.
They are not just any childen either. They are the generation that eventually takes over ruling our country. In my home country Norway, emphasis is placed on the nursery’s role and function as caregiver and educator into the community.
It is officially held that the kindergarten in cooperation with the family, shall make the child feel safe and confident. The child is meant to unfold in play, learn how to cooperate and work with others, and to take an active part in the community. (Framework 2011, Knowledge Depth.) Here, Professor of Preschool Education Berit Bae, in her research and work, has laid the above-mentioned understanding of relationships as the basis for the training of future preschool teachers. (Bae, B. 2005,2006)
Particularly she emphasizes the kindergarten’s ability to accommodate the child’s right and opportunity to participate in kindergarten. This is why kindergarten is considered to be a significant arena for educating the child into later community engagement. It also forms the basis for enabling the child to manage its democratic rights and duties later.
– What kind of rights and freedoms, and what kind of responses?
Let’s nuance and specify the three highlighted freedoms we have obtained from Satir. Put them into a context where the response plays an essential role in whether we experience ourselves entitled to feel, see, and hear what we do. In light of what Løvlie Schibbye and Løvlie are emphasizing in their book, it will be the adult’s way of responding, which is essential to the child’s self-esteem and reaction.
If the child’s words or messages will be received in a way that creates shame, guilt or self-esteem, perhaps even aggression, our principle of freedom of speech has no meaning. “The freedom to say what you think and feel, instead of what you ought to think and feel” (Satir 1964), must therefore also be met with an open, affirmative and positively wondering attitude. The somewhat slow and open wondering way of communicating is crucial to make the child clarify its intentions or standpoints.
When the child is given enough time and space to make himself clear and understood, the child also becomes clearer and better understood to himself. This is the core of self-delineation and determination, and the prerequisite for the ability to communicate in a good way as an adult.
The book “You and the Child” initially quotes American psychologist Carl Rogers who once said; “When someone really listens to you it feels damn good!” Then I ask: Perhaps the reason why Carl Rogers used the word “damn” in this context, was that he meant there is so “damned” little of this kind of attention and presence else in life?
The short finishing Part.
– Ending the article and the quarrel with Colin and Melanie.
How could Melanie’s boyfriend Colin have answered her when she dreamlike were commenting the big villa with the poplar avenue passing by their train window? What if he had been able to let go of himself for a little while. Even surfed with Melanie on her future fantasy. Perhaps then, they might have avoided their communication to collapse.
He could for example have said that, “oh yes, that garden looked nice for children.” He could comment on the house’ possibilities for a big family and for different gatherings. If he had just followed her a little more into her imaginations, he might also know that she was really happy with life, just as she and Colin lived.
Then maybe she had taken herself out of the dream and told Colin that she really appreciated this thirty-year gift of his. Because she knew that they did not have that much money to spend. She could have leaned towards him, or he could pull her up and hold her tight. Then they might have both felt seen and heard, – a human right it is not given to get for free, here in life.’
The crucial importance of being, seen, heard and recognized.
This is a human right that must be worked for constantly and consciously, all the way from infancy to adulthood. A work that must go on until the child as an adult with his own voice can actively participate in the country’s social development. A voice that under the right conditions can turn into a choir. This especially in countries that are badly in need of this type of communication, to gradually grow into mature, safe states for those who live there. And for the countries around!
