Different forms of communication.

There are many forms of communication in different contexts. We all recognize the political, rhetorical conversation, where the participants highlight contradictions rather than similarities, and very rarely come closer to one another after a discussion. The exchange of words may partly remind of a dialogue, but in principle it is not about understanding and recognizing the other, as the other is perceived as an opponent to be fought with arguments.

We also recognize the party speeches where communication is largely one-way. These speeches, however are mostly good-willed and humoristic, but there is usually no intention of dialogue between speakers and listeners.

Then we also have the unidirectional injunctional communication, where the teacher or headmaster instructs his or her pupils to adopt a certain type of attitude and behavior at the school, while at the same time respecting the school’s current ban, which if broken, results in expulsion.

Private communication with someone close to you, – “close-communication”.

This small article, on the other hand, is about oral communication face to face between people who are close to each other. They may be spouses, cohabitants, sweethearts and close friends. Here both parties in the relationship will eventually benefit from a special form of close-communication.

– Our first experience with communication, – the non-verbal dialogue.

Successfull communication: Some of you have read the page “Psychology” where I describe the infant researchers’ discovery of the child’s speechless and so-called pre-verbal dialogue with the mother.(See: http://www.selvuniverset. com/prices/) Then it is also easier to understand that a basic principle of this dialogue is to communicate one at a time, ie in turn.

At the same time, it is important for breaks, where the mother stops while the child gesticulates and babbles away without concepts, in response to the mother’s verbal dialogue. And when the child finishes and leans back a little, that she then responds to the child’s intentions and attempts at communication.

Unsuccesfull communication: On video, we can see how some mothers do not allow the child to receive and respond to her message. Instead, she keeps on talking without stop, so the child becomes overwhelmed, and has to turn away from her.

Fortunately, we see most of the good interaction beetween mother and child on these videos. These are so called sequences of close-communication, where both mother and child have a kind of dialogic and rhythmic dance back and forth between each other. Here both babbling, talk and body language signals joy and satisfaction with the communication.

Bad communication: Unfortunately, there are other mothers, who seem distant and do not respond to the child’s invitation to dialogue. The child then typically leans forward, folds his or her hands together in an effort to get attention, or makes loud noises. In some cases, this is enough to get the mother back on the field.

In other cases, this does’nt help. The child becomes uneasy, twists, or falls forward in the high chair in the hope of being welcomed. Or she even throws herself backwards while screaming loudly and whining. All this in an effort to get in touch and communicate, while mum may be most concerned about her cellphone. ( Look at this video illustration, where mother both manages the good dialogue and cuts it outm on request of the researcer Dr. E.Tronick: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0 )

All of these combined early experiences form the basis for the way we communicate later. They become a kind of underlying unconscious template of how we behave in a dialogue or conversation situation with a close person. (see also): http://www.selvuniverset.com/2016/07/25/how-do-i-become-me/

If we have positive base experiences, it is easier to solve problems through conversation and negotiation than if we have been overrun or neglected in this early conversation I refer to above.

Beginnining to change this, we will look at five important steps in all good communication.

1. Listening without going in defense.

2. Capturing the emotions behind the message. (read body language and face expression)

3. To put oneself in the other’s place,

4. Recognizing the other person’s right to perceive, feel, and think the way she or he does, when responding or talking to them.

5. To give room for thought breaks.

Is it dangerous to have problems in a relationship?

There are hardly any relationships between people, where there are no conflicts. The problem is not that problems arise in a relationship, when interests collide, or misunderstandings and disappointments create frustration. That’s almost inevitable!

The problem is that the couple often do not have sufficient communicational tools to solve the problems that arise. But are there any such tools available one might ask? Many specialists on communication probably think so. I’m not sure how effective these methods are. Those who are particularly interested try go to check the internet for literature, research and suggestions.

Among family and couples therapists who work directly with families and couples over time, however, the experience has given cause for optimism. I myself have worked extensively with couples and families. In all these cases, one or two additional professionals are present in addition to the couple and the family who feel trapped in an unfortunate pattern of communication. This adds new positive energy and optimism to the relationship, as well as knowledge of problem solving that the couple and families lack.

Then the question remains whether my readers at Psychological Universe can become any wiser by following some simple pieces of advice regarding how to communicate. That means being able to start a better way of talking to people that are close to them, without going into couples therapy.

Important preparations.

Do not throw yourself into good communication with your girlfriend-boyfriend, partner, spouse or friend right away. Continue for a while as you usually do, but observe a little more about what you do when talking. Not least, observe what reactions this creates in him or her, and with you when it strikes back at you in the next turn.     

To start with ourselves

• Listening Out:

This exercise involves spending five minutes on a bench outside, or chair indoors, or standing, possibly walking in the park or out in nature. Your task now is just to listen, preferably with your eyes closed, to what you hear around you.

Is there a bird nearby, a dog barking, car honking, tram or bus passing by? Do you hear it whistling in the tree tops, or rippling in the water from the stream? Do you hear the baby crying? What about the plane flying high up there? Is there a propeller or jet flying over your head? Or sounds from the kitchen, the floor squeaking above you? All that you record you must clearly notice and recognize. Even noise. And not least congratulate yourself on having managed to put aside 5 minutes of your otherwise so important time for this.

• Listening in:

Then spend three minutes in a quiet room, perhaps after bedtime, listening in: Do you hear your breath, the heart beating far in, a faint whisper in your ears? What else do you know about your body? Is it tingling anywhere, sore or painful? Do you know your feet right down there. Are they hot or cold? Are you sitting well or uncomfortable? What do you really feel when you sit here alone? Are you impatient now, tired of listening and knowing?

Notice everything you feel and think. And finish the exercise with a pat on the shoulder; and a “good job”!

The general rehearsal.

First Step:

Without saying anything to anyone, try to do the same to a person close to you. It could be your child, boyfriend, friend or girlfriend, etc. Try to open yourself to what she or he is saying. Listen as best you can, without thinking that you need to defend yourself if what is said concerns you.

Try to see and experience what is said as if you felt it yourself. If you are expected to answer, you will first nod and maybe just say; – I think I understand, or “agree”. If you get blamed then just say something like, “That wasn’t very good for you.” Or, “I shouldn’t have said or done that.” If this becomes too difficult for you, just say what you usually do, and check the response.

Second step:

Talk to the person you want to have a conversation with. Find a place where you can sit quietly, for yourself and talk about important things. Say, if it’s your closest friend, sweetheart or spouse, that you’ve been thinking it’s important to have quality time together. Some place where you set aside a few minutes just to listen to each other, hearing about how the other is doing, what she or he thinks and feels . If there are any conflicts to sort in and sole. Find a time when you are not in the middle of a fierce argument. Then it is usually impossible to listen to each other.

Feel free to tell the other that you have read a bit about improving communication between people. Now you would like to try if it really helps the conversation to follow some simple rules. If you think the other person is interested in reading this before starting the conversation, then just recommend it! If not take the initiative to follow the rules yourself.

What do you do then?

• Examples of poor communication:

Lisa: – Michael you are too hard on the kids. Don’t you see that they get tired of it? It pollutes the good atmosphere here, when you come home from work and jstart nagging angry at them.

Michael: My God, you say this all the time, but somebody has to take responsibility and set boundaries for them here at home. You never bother to confront them or enforce rules. You just want the cuddle and be the kind mom who lets them get everything they want.

Lisa: My gosh, now you’re unfair, …the fuck so hurtful. Here I do the house and homework with them, cook, wash their clothes, when I come home from work. Tryingaltogether to create a nice home. You never mention that! “Just cuddle with them”, you call it! Stay a little more at home, and you’ll see all that needs to be done.

Michael: I don’t bother discussing with you anymore! You can’t take a single critical remark. I’m going out! (leaves the house a bang)

Example of constructive communication, when Marius has read some of this:

Lisa as last time: – Michael you are too hard on the kids. Don’t you see that they get tired of it? It pollutes the good atmosphere here, when you come home from work and jstart nagging angry at them.

Michael listens to Lisa, he tries to know what she feels without defending herself. He pauses and breathes to calm himself down.

He sits down in a kitchen chair and says: “I’m really sorry! So you do feel I’m too strict and angry when I get home?”

Lisa (a little surprised): Yeah,absolutely Michael! Sometimes they dread before you return home.

Michael shakes his head thoughtfully and bites his lower lip: -That’s no good if I really have that effect on them. He asks Lisa. – Do you also worry before my returning home?

Lisa: – Not always, she says a little gentler in her voice.

– I’m sorry it has become that way, Michael says. – We have to find a way to solve this. Can we have a real chat together tonight or tomorrow night, when the kids have gone to bed?

Lisa lights up: Yes, dear, there is nothing more I want. It’s been so long since we last took the time to sit down together. And, I know I’m not perfect either, I want you to know. But I want the kids to look forward for you coming home in the evening. They know you have a long journey, and I have said that Dad is tired after a long day. So it’s not that I haven’t taken you in defense, but….

Michael nods and smiles gently before answering: “It’s good to know, I appreciate that, and I’ll try to sharpen up so my temper doesn’t ruin the good atmosphere I realize you’re trying to create here at home.”

Lisa also smiles at Michael:. – Come on let’s eat, thank you for understanding what I meant!

Here Michael is succeeding in the way he answers Lisa this time.

1. He manages to listen without going in defense.

2. He grabs the feelings Lisa carries in the situation.

3. He does this by putting himself in her place.

4. He acknowledges what she says by responding that he realizes that it must be terrible to Lisa and the children that he reacts with acidity and anger when he gets home.

5. He starts the conversation by taking a short break while taking in what Lisa says. All in all, this reduces the level of conflict fairly quickly, and the two get into a good conversation.

Following up the conversation.

The next night they manage to organize the work at home so effectively that when the children are in bed, they can sit down and take the next step in their dialogue. Let’s imagine that they agree to put away their cell phones for fortyfive minutes, and that their conversation is something like this:

Lisa: I’ve been thinking about what we talked about yesterday. (calmly, without accusation in voice). Even if you understood what I meant, I’m still afraid we will end up in the same ditch when it comes to your reaction to the kids.

( Michael listens with an open mind) He says: Continue Lisa!

Lisa: How are we going to solve this in the future, Michael?

(Michael takes his time thinking, while Lisa leans back with folded arms.)

Michael: I think if you just try to be a little more strict, like tonight, then I don’t need to be double in strictness. Because this night you said to the kids, “No go to bed at once, I mean it!” They didn’t even bother getting up from the couch with their iPads after you telling them, but just kept going. Then you said with a stern voice, “Come on, no more nonsense!” They just glared at you as a stranger, and looked up at me. I just smiled and nodded. Finally, you had to pull them up from the couch, take away the iPads and push them into the bathroom. I didn’t believe my own eyes.

Afterwards, I followed them up to their room and read a fairytale for them. Julius gave me a hug and Sara took my hand and stroked it on her cheek.

Lisa: Is that really true? It was good to hear! I know they have a lot of respect for you and look up to you, but tonight they also showed love for you. (Michael nods contentedly and announces that he has discovered a new side in him).

Michael: I’ve borrowed an old book from Line at work. Line, who is our communications director, is a trained psychologist and suggested an old curriculum book called: “The Family; – coercion and opportunity.” (Schibbye. 1988) When she heard that I was struggling with child rearing at home, she admitted that she had also struggled with her relationship with John. Then she brushed dust off this book and used some chapters there as a kind of close-communication guide.

Michael continues: One of the most important things I have come up with through this reading, is that we both create the conditions for how the other responds. And this in turn creates the conditions for the next round of dialogue. If no one opens and listens, and recognizes the other, then the dialogue will stop in two opposites, or counter poles (.see picture below)

Michael: In that way it will not move towards any solution. (Lisa concentrates and listens interested)

Michael continues: Then I think, – towards the children I may have been strict for two, both for you and me, somehow.

Lisa sits thinking carefully: “And I may have been forgiving and gentle for two.” Perhaps that is what has happened gradually in the relationship with our children? (Lisa stumbles, and doesn’t quite know if she can believe this conclusion.)

Summary.

Let’s leave Lisa and Michael here hoping that they will have some basic knowledge and experience when it comes to close- communication. It is not at all easy to keep on going in the right direction and continue the good dialogue, although it seems that they got it this time.

In some cases with couples, the frustration has accumulated over time that there is a lot of anger and disappointment in each of the parties. Then it may be necessary to go for a therapist who can steer the communication back on track, by venting this frustration with them.

In a few cases, the relationship has unfortunately died down, as it is called, and the spark between the two completely disappeared. Then the task of the therapist is to get them to separate teams in the best possible way. This by understanding how it derailed and why the relationship broke. This is important so that they do not repeat the same dysfunctional communication pattern with the next partner they meet.

NB! (Listen to Danish” Buran G’s” wonderful and popular song about a relationship that broke down, when she could’t accept him anymore, in spite of his own wishes and constant longing for her. Here with Medina as a co singer. The title is “Mest Ondt”, which means, “Most hurtful” .’shttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Unuc_uMZXu4

The ABC of close -communication, – some memory rules.

A. Be open and listening.

B. Accept and acknowledge the other’s feelings and thoughts.

C. Be clear, and try not to be angry when you speak.

D. Be specific, ie show to events by clear examples of what has upset or disappointed you.

E. When you have talked about past events, and resolved them, put this behind you! Don’t rip it up time and time again when you later disagree.

F. Then start from what is happening now.

G. Take time to let the other person say what is on their heart. And take small breaks to receive the message and think before answering.

H. Last but not least, think that there is something in each of you that has brought you together and most profoundly wants to transcend one another into a greater we!

Sources of inspiration: C. Rogers, M. Bowen, S. Minuchin, L. Wynne, V. Satir, D. Stern. J. Benjamin, and first and foremost my teacher, A.-L.L. Schibbye, as well as my own experiences with students, couples and families.

NB! This extensive topic, which we have only touched upon so far, will be followed up in later articles this fall.