What is a father’s function in relation to his son?
What does it mean to be a father? What duties does a father have in relation to his son? How should he be and how should he act? What can happen if he cannot live up to what is required of a father?
Almost all men can become fathers, but without necessarily being able to fulfill the role of a father to their children. Undoubtedly everyone has a biological father. It is as universal as the necessity of having a biological mother. But not everyone lives together with their biological parents. And even less with their biological father. Nevertheless, biology is not the most important thing when it comes to paternity. Not even that of living with dad all the time. Most important of all is the fact that there’s someone there, who can fill the function of a father to the boy.
When the son gets into trouble.
Imagine a teenage boy who ends up in places in the city where he shouldn’t be, or in a gang where there has been lot’s of trouble. One night he is brought in by the police. He sits at a table at the police station opposite an adult and apparently nice cop. The male cop says: We have repeatedly observed you in places in this city where there is a lot of crime. And it’s late at night! The cell phone you have in your pocket seems very new and expensive. Is it yours? (The boy looks down at the desk with a stiff expression, his hands are clenched, as if ready to hit back.)
The cop continues: Do your parents know that you wander around the the streets in the city this late at night? Does your father know? (The boy looks up at the calm cop inquiring him.) I’m going to call your parents in a while and tell them you’re here right now. – How do you think your dad will react to that? (The boy’s facial expressions and mimic signal indifference.)
Getting a conversation
The cop moves forward cautiously and kindly: – I almost have to ask you: How is your father?….. Are you two at the same wavelength, or what about that? After a long while and a bottle of Cola across the table from the station’s soda machine, the boy’s face opens up a bit, and he puts his hand on the forehead. Then somewhat hesitantly he starts to talk about how awful it gets at home if the cop calls them. That’s fucking hell, he says. The policeman asks in what way it would be difficult, and little by little the teenager produces very important information about business as usual at home. In this way, and at the same time, the officer is now trying to create an alliance with the young man to get a grip of his life situation.
The dialogue above is an example of relevant questions that an active and outgoing police officer should ask all teenagers who are arrested for gang or felony crime. Maybe wise policemen do just that every day for prevention purposes. At least they try to do it in my country. The same questions could also have successfully been given to an adult inmate convicted of repeated violent crime. It will allow for reflection and better statistics on which factors promote or inhibit crime and substance abuse.
However, this first little article is not just about the importance of fathers to prevent crime of sons. The article primarily addresses the importance that a father plays in his own son’s life. It also focuses on what a father must do in order for the relationship to work.
A father is naturally also of great importance to girls, so that side of the case is highlighted in a third article on the topic. (As long as this is a US based website, the first article on research and statistics will be largely characterized by US conditions. Part 2. will try to compensate for that by referring more to Norwegian and Scandinavian conditions. Nevertheless, the essence of the role of the father will be the same on both continents, in the world as a whole, I think.)
Some personal questions:
You might aswell ask yourself the same questions: How is your father? What kind of relationship do you have with him? Have you ever reflected on how he treats you? Is, or was he nice to you, engaged in your life? Is, or was he nice to your mom too? Does he show or did he show her thoughtfulness and love! What about yourself? Did he ever say or says, “I love you my son”? Or, while kindly shaking your hair; “You know I’m very fond of you, my little rascal, or prince!”
The function of a dad is more important than his biology.
You don’t need a biological father present in your life if you have a good replacement! It is about taking time, and having the will and ability to make yourself available to the young male during his developmental process. Mental or physically absent fathers are a major societal problem in several countries.
The American “Fatherhood organization” says the following; – There is a crisis of absence when it comes to fathers in the United States. ” According to the US Census Bureau, 19.7 million children, or more than 1 in 4 children, live without a father in their home. Consequently, it is a father factor in almost all psychosocial problems and illnesses that the United States is facing today.
Even darker is the image for African American families. Here, more than 33% of all Afro-American children under 18 grow up without their fathers.
Is that so serious, one might ask , when they have their good mothers to support them? Unfortunately, after many years in psychiatry, my own experience is that even the best mother cannot compensate for an absent father. And how can she manage one or more jobs, and at the same time be at home with the children, and after school take them on football training, karate, and other leisure activities, without help? Or avoid degrading and depleting poverty if she has to resort to social assistance?
What a father has to do, to give his son what he needs.
It is no wonder that the Family First organization in the United States has an AllProDad program to advise and support fathers to take responsibility for their sons. AllProDad highlights seven ways fathers can create happy, trusting and self-secure sons: (The seven areas are simplified and translated by me)
1. Show your son that you love his mother!
Then your son will also be able to respect and love his sisters and women in general. Because as a father you are a role model for your son, good or bad, that he will copy (consciously or unconsciously). (my addition)
2. Your son need to see that also you can make mistakes.
At the same time, you must show that you can cope with the mistakes you make from time to time. That you are able to correct the problem or damage. Then your son also will believe that it’s allowed to make mistakes, without losing self-respect or losing face. Even relations between people can be repaired!
3. Your son must see that you can lead the family by being it’s benevolent servant.
Your son must see that leadership involves making yourself available to the needs of the family members, trying to fulfill these as far as possible. My addition: The son needs to see that his father thinks more about the wellbeing of the others in the family, than caring for his own ego. In Scandinavian countries we would also say there are two leaders in a typical mother-father-child family.)
4. Be present on your son’s differnt arenas!
Even though you, as a father, are drawn in many directions both at work and in the community, you must still try to be present in most of the arenas where your son is located. It’s not enough that just mom or friends are there. Dad needs to be there too! (And you quickly figure out when to retire and leave the arena to your son and his privacy and friendships.)
5. Show that you love your son!
Your son needs you to love him no matter if he is different from you. He needs your love even if he has completely different interests and hobbies than you have, or had! (Love from a dad should be unconditional and not dependent on a son’s skills.) (My clarification)
6. Your son needs your acceptance and affirmation:
He must hear you say: “I love you, my son. “” I’m proud of you, son. ” “You’re fantastic, son.” “I know you can do it, son.” “It was an amazing play you made!” “Good job, boy!” “You did’nt succeed today, but I know you’ll come back stronger next time!” A son needs to hear the words that let him know that you love having him as a son.
My Addition: When your son is smaller, however, the performance should not be over-emphasized. Instead, focus on making your son feel comfortable with what he does. That he rejoices in, for example, jumping excitedly around on the trampoline. On the other hand, if too much emphasis is placed on the level of performance, your boy may be too easily guided by external expectations and not inner motivation. Outer focus on performance boosts self-confidence if the boy is clever and apt. But his deeper self-esteem is not so much nourished by performance success. Conversely, if the son does not achieve what is expected, it affects both self-confidence and the underlying self-esteem. Then unfortunately the boy will not feel that he is good enough, or good enough for neither the father nor the world out there.
(I remember that my father (the man sitting beside me on the old photo , above) who at the age of 18, was a Norwegian ski jumping champion, did not critizise me even if I was not the the best in skijumping in our neighborhood. He just said it looked like I was enjoying the flight in the air, although the length was not exactly world-record. The five-year-old neighbor boy, on the other hand, was alltogether superb. But I still thought I was a good enough jumper and enjoyed it every time. A good many years later though, in 1982, the neighbor boy won his Silver Medal in the Holmenkollen World Championship.) And my father was very proud. Me too, having lived next door to him.)
7. Your son needs thoughtful and loving regulation and discipline.
But he does not need punitive discipline! However, he must learn that his actions have consequences for both himself and others. (Limiting should at the same time give acceptance for the son’s desire to transgress the rules and agreements because it seems alluring and exciting. Still, the father must stand up and not give in to pressure) (my addition)
(Here my father made a serious mistake. I was beaten when I did something wrong, especially after my mother died, and we got housekeepers complaining about me. When they gossiped when he returned home from work, I got a beating many hours after the incident. Several of my friends got the same from their fathers. The result was that we carried so much anger in us that, anger that we didn’t dare to take out on anyone else. So we had a fight almost every single day.)
Still, I got night squeezes and evening prayers from my dad when I was going to bed. And when his friend, a very tough captain in Scandinavian Airlines stayed with us, and my dad was out at night, I got both a spoonful of codliver oil and a hug from him as well. But the kind of diciplining boys that these fathers stood for at that time, was too harsh. (See what this once brought me into:http://www.selvuniverset.com/2016/07/06/genetics-and-environment/
Can research contribute anything to our theme?
There are many studies out there about the consequences of various ways the father figure works. Here in part 1. there is only room for a few.
It seems, for example, that a loving, but sometimes angry father, is still better for the son than an indifferent one, because it shows commitment and increased time spent on the part of the father vis a vis his son. But physical punishment must not occur.
However, many fathers have had the belief that it is their job to make men out of their sons: Ronald F. Levant, a professor of psychology at Universitetey in Akron, Ohio, has researched men’s psychology based on the relationship they have had to their fathers. According to Levant, the time that fathers set aside to be with the son corresponds positively with the son’s self-esteem. The researcher has also looked at the sons’ relationship with their fathers in terms of masculinity. Here, it turned out that the fathers’ rigid expectations of the sons’ masculinity matched poorly with the older sons’ confidence and satisfaction with the realationship to their fathers. Instead, these expectations of masculinity led to increasing and harmful alcohol use. The study also showed that when the father emphasized that his son showed great self-confidence, – being a committed father did not help much.
When the sons end up in jail.
I will end this article where we began, – with the police officer who asked the young man about his relationship to his father. Research has also shown that the incarceration rate is higher for children who grow up in homes without a biological father present than where there is a father. Highest is the rate for children who had never lived with their dads. In a survey conducted by the US Department of Justice, statistics were collected for the initial life situation of inmates:
39 percent had lived in “only mother” households.
46 percent had a family member who was previously imprisoned.
20 percent were children of fathers who had been in prison.
To dad or father:
If you are a father reading this, I hope it inspires you to focus positively on your son. If, on the other hand, you get a bad conscience or irritation when you read this content, think that most issues can be repaired if you admit your mistakes and sharpen yourself. You can apologize, but without asking for immediate forgiveness. It may take some time to re-establish something that has derailed. But don’t give up. A good relationship with your son or sons, will make life better for you too!
To the son:
If you are a son reading this, then demand a little more from your father. Give him “a kick in the ***,” and get him off the couch, away from the PC, away from his stock quotes, cell-phone, business occupation, or bottle. You are the GOLD in his life, not the money! If you have bad economy in your family, try talking about it in a constructive way. Deep down, there is nothing more your father wants, than to be a good father to you, even if it seems that he has given it up.
In part 2 we will look more into examples and reflections on the role of the father in the Scandinavian countries.
