(At the end of this post there is a guided audio relaxation exercise. This  Part One of Two, is the first step in “recharging your batteries”)

How exactly you get back your energy and motivation is a difficult question to answer. We are all different despite  similarities, and the issue is very complex both psychologically and socially.  One common trait most of us share and can agree  upon however, is that we usually feel better when we have something nice to look forward to. Something we like, something enjoyable, in contrast to an insurmountable schedule of difficult tasks and boring duties.

Too much on the agenda both at work and home.

The psychology of energy mobilization

Do you remember those days when we were tired of school and hadn’t done all our homework? It was a math and a history test that day, and the week was only Tuesday morning. Then it was much harder to wake up, the body felt heavier on the way to the bathroom.

Preferably we would sleep at least to ten o’clock that day. And this experience of fatigue, and a heavy and lazy body, the feeling that the day would be a trial to come through also lowered our mood at breakfast. We were not necessarily sulky and crossed. We were mostly silent, as if still lying peacefully under the blanket in our bed, far from all the noise and demands of the world.

Psychologically energy seems like zero on days with mountains of homework.

Can you recall quite the opposite situation, the morning of our first holiday? When we woke up before the others, jumping out of bed, looking eagerly out of the window, whistling, humming, our whole body was ready for action.

A morning to reach out for.

Jippi!

Then there was no limit to how fast we would run into the day and enjoy the world, enjoy our freedom and opportunities. Where did this energy come from, when just the week before we seemed completely exhausted?

“I’m gonna fly out into the new day!”

Balancing on the line between effort and rest, action and reaction.

It’s important to remember that our entire body, from micro to macro-level, is balancing from side to side on a precarious line between effort and rest. Even the nerve cells in the eye that constantly receive visual impressions, must periodically be inactive. That is, they must go into sleep mode to restore the electrochemical condition that allows for further transport of visual imaging to the brain.

The time between action and rest in neurons on the retina of our eyes.

This restfulness is naturally not a condition of total inactivity. Then our cell, body or whole person would have died.

It is really a restoration of the ability to fully endure, to keep on doing what our fabulous body is supposed to do. It’s a quiet work of restoration going on while relaxing, resting or sleeping.

She rebuilds her energy after a long tiresome walk.

Overtraining with too much workout.

When I was working with athletes, there were many so keen on exercising and training that they eventually got over-trained. What does that mean in English? Well, they were so motivated and eager in their exercises that their muscles didn’t get long enough resting time between each session. Thus, the big effort in training gave little or no effect on the results in competitions.

Time to rest.

– How to improve in strength and muscle force.

This made them of course very disappointed and self depreciating. But despite of aching muscles they even went on training harder. This way they pushed their bodies to the edge and left themselves in despair. The evil circle I am referring to here, often ended at the doctor’s and the psychologist’s office.( I guess this problem is more under control in most professional athlete’s circles nowadays)

Redefining the difference between lazyness and necessary rest

We had to redefine what it means to lie on the bench or couch to rest. We had to call it a necessary part of all kinds of workout. We had to identify the resting period as that part of the training where the targeted effort together with the food they consumed, gives their bodies time to rebuild.

We called it the commutation between catabolic, i.e. degradational processes, and anabolic, building-up processes. Catabolic processes, we have when we exercise hard and break down the body’s nutrition. Anabolic processes we have, when letting the body recover after training sessions.

Neither catabolic, nor anabolic processes alone have any positive effect, rather on the contrary. It is the effective commuting between effort and rest, catabolic and anabolic exercise that makes success.

– Utilizing the reserves.

The body though, usually has many reserves to keep it going. We have noticed that Olympic athletes suddenly can move into a race, and like a rocket pass all the other competitors, to join the prestigious group of gold medalists. With determination and motivation, ignition and self-esteem, we may all occasionally bring out unprecedented physical reserves from our body in a hard-to-win competition or an emergency crisis.

Gold Medallists and runner Usain Bolt,

Gold medalist and most winning Olympic medalist Marit Bjoergen.

But soon after this extra effort, and this is my point here, our bodies also requires extra time for rest and recreation. As if most of you did not yet know that! The reason for me underlining this again, however, is just to support that insight, and make you remember practicing it too.

Therese Johaug and Marit Bjoergen chilling down after championships.

What about the rest of us without any gold medals?

Even though we are not top athletes or in physical hard work, it takes a lot of us to stay updated and operate efficiently in the digital world. We are in a constant bombardment by all sorts of information, and from all kinds of sources. That’s the rule for most of us, from waking up in the morning until falling exhausted asleep late at night. Sometimes we even wake up in the middle of the night to check Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or text messages.

This constant claim for our attention requires more of us than we like to admit. Our brains must therefore constantly process and interpret information that require response. We get tense and stressed because it’s impossible to respond to all this.

We should least have had a 48hour day to complete it. Therefore, many of us use the night, when we should have been fast asleep. Maybe that’s one important reason why many young and middle aged adults experience burnout, where almost everything suddenly feels heavy and tiring.

We can compare this with the lightbulb in our flashlight, when the battery is almost flat. The bulb hardly emits light. And that’s not because it’s gone. The battery is too discharged to light it up. Then our mood doesn’t only lose light, but also the desire to keep on living.

In other words, it’s time charging our batteries. To be honest, time is overdue! (You already know this, and very soon a guided exercise worth trying is coming up.)

Yes, I have a two-part relaxation exercise that can be used to restore contact between body and mind, and even regain some energy and motivation for further effort at home or at work. The exercise is very simple and there are probably thousands of techniques out there more effective than this, But, give it a try, test it out, and notice if you feel any difference right after or later in the day. The second part will be presented in a week.

Relaxing exercise part I. ( with audio guidance)

First, I recommend that you turn off everything like mobiles and digital media for 20 to 25 minutes. Ideally, you should turn off the light as well. But I will not make it so difficult that there will be a hassle and struggle just to settle down before the relaxation begins.

And that’s the next. Now you are going to lay down on a flat underlay surface, – a bed, mattress, bench or on a floor with a soft mat under yourself. When you are in place upon your underlay, try to lie straight on your back, or if not possible, in whatever position that is best for you.

Then let your arms land and rest beside you, and close your eyes. Try to listen to what I say, as best as you can. But first, tap the audio file below and just let me be your guide. It’s not made in a studio I am afraid,  only on my Iphone, and there is some rumble from the Tube in the start. You can of course stop the recording at any time if you don’t feel comfortable with it, or don’t like my rather conservative british accent. (English is not my native language, however) I hope you manage to listen through this filter, and get to the core of my message.

Click on the audiofile below and keep lying down.

Relaxation exercise by Psychological Universe, acc. Music by Atli Ørvarsson, “The Hug”, and “Midnight in the Garden”

Lake Sognsvann, Oslo,  Norway, photo: Psychological Universe

 

Is there any way to prevent unhappy or dangerous relationships between men and women?

Some experts would say, yes! Find out all you can about your sweetheart’s parents and childhood. Then consider it statistically most probable that the unsolved emotional issues, and traumatic patterns of communication, will appear in your future relationship with him or her.

 

  “The apple does not fall far from the tree”

The tree and the apple, the plant and it’s fruit.

This is not a new perspective. Remember the old saying; “the apple does not fall far from the tree.” But what does it mean exactly? And is it true? Does it really apply to parents and their offspring, – you and me? Even to criminals and murderers?

As you probably know, the original meaning of this saying is already apparent in the metaphor, plant or “tree” and its fruit, – here “the apple”. We might also add to the picture, the embedded knowledge of Newton’s gravitational law. Figurately this means that you and your parents are very close in many ways. That you resemble each other both physically and psychologically so to say.

In earlier days this was most commonly referred to as a consequence og family genes. Today there is no evidence of inheriting psychological  traits and behaviour from genes. http://www.selvuniverset.com/2016/07/12/psychological-shifts-perceiving-infants-children-genes-environement-3/

      A typical family may carry many hidden burdens under it’s facade.(illustration only)

How can you avoid recurrent bad relationships?

A patient of mine seemed to follow the theory of the experts. After several years of therapy, she told me that before she would even consider incorporating a new man in her life, she would thoroughly check his parents. – What do you mean by checking the parents, I asked. She looked at me with a decisive expression, before she answered in a long tirade. – Casually ask the man about their behavior towards him. How they solved conflicts. Their blind spots. What he loved about them, and hated them for.( Check my own experience  with my father and his mother: )http://www.selvuniverset.com/2016/07/06/genetics-and-environment/

(And my newest perspective on genes and psychology): http://www.selvuniverset.com/2016/07/31/i-am-like-an-unfinished-novel/

– Physical punishment

Was he ever punished physically? Did he ever see mother or father beating each other? Was there any form of psychological abuse? Not to mention sexual abuse? What about infidelity. Did they cheat on each other? Did they ever separate or divorce? What about alcohol or drugs?

– And even more important, she continued: Did he get physical closeness and love from both mother and father when he grew up. How close was he, or is he still to his mother, or father? Is this closeness by any means unconditioned, or is it an unbreakable bond that would be difficult for a partner to compete with, or stand up against? That is; will his loyalty to mother or father threaten the expected loyalty to a future sweetheart or spouse?

– Interviewing her sweetheart’s parents.

Then my patient said she would see for herself. – Yes, she assured me, – talk to his parents and check how they treated each other. Find out if they had had much arguing or fights! Did they have conversational tools to solve disagreement? Did they still show affection for each other after 20,30 or more years of marriage, or togetherness?

What about his brothers and sisters? How did he treat his sisters, or they him? How much jalousie or envy existed among them? And could he and his brothers cooperate on a friendly basis.

– To safeguard her love life in the future.

– Wow, I am impressed by your scientific approach, I said to my patient after this lecture on being prepared for her next partnership. – You sound like a psychologist, being afraid off ending like many of her patients, in relational despair after several unsuccessful love relationships. – I am, she admitted, – very much afraid! But I will safeguard my love life in the future. I nodded, very much in agreement and understanding of her new approach. – Don’t blame me for not being spontaneous any longer on these matters, she replied. – That’s your profit after many years of confronting me with my choice of wrong or bad men.

From troublesome and unsuccessful relations to very dangerous ones.

Why does he feel abandoned by his own kin? Why does he turn his back to his mother? And why does she appear distancing herself from her son? And where is daddy in the picture? (ill. only)

– Criminal minds and their relationships to parents.

There is a new series on Netflix, called “Mind Hunters”. Here two FBI officers start a project, interviewing serial killers. They meet the many serial killers that kill women in different prisons all over the US. They interview them to understand how the men’s relationship to their parents have been. Especially their relationship to their mothers.

Kathleen Turner in the Movie; “Serial Mum.”

The Mind Hunters get a professor in psychology as a leader of their small team. She works out a questionnaire to use for systematic research. But meeting the different killer’s whims and strategies, transcends the frame of the questionnaire. It demands much improvisation from the FBI officers Holden Ford and Bill Tench, to get the crucial information for the project.

 Characters Bill Tench and Holden Ford in “The  Mindhunters”.

– The mothers of serial killers.

In most cases shown in season 1, the serial killers have absented or alcoholic fathers. Their mothers are most likely extremely invading and aggressive. There is much psychic and physical punishment involved in the upbringing. The imprisoned men were all either overinvolved and sucked into the field of their mother’s problems and erratic whims. Or they were depreciated regularly, to an extent that their self-esteem was severely impaired. Worst case is of course when this torture end with killing their child.(see photo under)

 Lacey Spears poisoning her 5 year old son Garett to death. (How was Lacey’s relationship to her mother, we may ask)

– The killers psyche.

In my opinion it seemed that they all suffered from severe minority complexes, often denied psychologically, and outwardly compensated with an unrealistically inflated self-representation. In short: Instead of killing their hated mothers, which they fear and feel totally controlled by, – they kill other women after a long session of controlling them in captivity. Their hatred is in other words displaced.

    “What have you done to your mother, my bad, bad son. “(illustration only)

For some people this may sound like a cliché. For others it sounds rather theoretical, but also quite plausible. What does Psychological Universe think about this very complex issue?

In the child’s head mother and father are the prototypes of a man and woman.

There is no doubt that mother and father play the most crucial role in the child’s life, from infancy to adulthood. When the killer to be, is an infant, parents have fully access to his mind and body. They represent life and death to him, both psychologically and physically.

How mother perceives her child when he is a totally dependent and innocent love yearning baby, will be engraved in his psyche and body for the rest of his life.

  This treatment will never help the child to behave in the long run. On the contrary research have proven.( Check post A “New Image of Man” and Chapter: “Violence in the  upringing of children.” http://www.selvuniverset.com/2017/03/27/new-image-man/

How his father supports or abandon, shows affection or disgust for his mother, and later help raising or undermining his self-esteem, has enormous effect on the young man’s psyche and behavior. It takes a huge effort of caretaking, love giving, positive behavior reinforcement, and constant trust testing by other grown- ups, to repair this psychical damage.

   Behavioral problems that may escalate to serious crime in adolescence and adulthood.

This is, not the least because the child or adolescent is so emotionally disturbed. Anger and hate, swarms just below the surface, and may explode right in front of even benevolent helpers. Because of his distorted psychological universe, the young man is expected to constantly test the limits of his new caretakers’ trustfulness or unconditioned love for him. That is, if he by any chance at all, are young and lucky enough, to get substitute caretakers or foster parents.

  Does anyone dare to help him out of his difficult family frame, before its too late?

Hopefully there is still a beautiful, nice and sincere love seeking child within him, that stretches out his arms to the world hoping for a new and better start in life. This will increase his chances of finding some foster parents to love and take care of him.

  Give the child yearning for protection, recognition and love, a new chance, when mother and father can’t manage. (illust. photo only)

Paradoxically this seemingly innocent appearance of his, together with a charming attitude, can be fatal to the persons he attracts later in life. If the disappointments, wounds and traumas that his biological parents have inflicted upon him are not yet healed. Then small disagreements and confrontations can ignite a fury in him, that tragically enough can end with violent black out, and even murder.

  He is angry for sure, – oh yes! But the root of his anger is not you, but his mother. But is the chair meant for her head this time, or yours?

– “I would rather be killed by him than tortured for the rest of my life.”

I recently had a patient that initially said she’d preferred been murdered by her psychopath husband than being psychologically tortured by him for over thirty years. – So, you did not leave him then, I asked. – Her head sank in shame. – I had our children to take into consideration. Thru his lawyers he would no doubt get custody over the children. Besides I thought the wrecked marriage was my fault, she told me. – That I was the one to blame, because I did not always placate him or live up to his standards, she admitted. Standards that I, her therapist, found out he never lived up to himself, but always demanded of others.

– I did not even think he was evil, she continued in my first interview with her. – I pitied him, for never being satisfied with me. Then I read about sociopaths and psychopaths. And I saw a film about such persons. My husband fitted perfectly into that group. So here I am, she sighed.

– “I’m going to destroy you”, he said.

When she later, with my relentless support, tried to leave him, she was almost killed twice. I was also threatened by him. – I’m going to destroy you, he promised. My patient could not even tell her friends about this dark side of him, because they would never believe her. His roleplay as a successful businessman and family father was unprecedented.   

Take care, do your research, and make your life’s choice.

I hope I haven’t scared you too much. I just want you to beware the traps embedded in entering in to a relationship with seemingly nice persons with very destructive family backgrounds. I also know that my focus on the quality of your boyfriend’s or partner’s parental relationship, also mirror back on the relation to your own mother and father.

Has this relationship to Your own parents been good enough to secure your boyfriend a good enough and giving love relation with you? Or has it been good enough to help you choose basic quality in him, from superficial and seductive charm?

If both of you have had troublesome relations to parents with much miscommunication and distrust, there is little chance of succeeding together. At least you need to take therapy sessions alone and together to make sure you don’t fall into the same pits as your parents. Or scold each other undeservedly for the lack of interest and love from your parents.

The end and the beginning. 

I often take a walk by the seaside or a big lake in my neighborhood.    I do it to clear my head and do some exercise in beautiful surroundings. This special afternoon I’m going to tell you about, I saw a couple walking hand in hand looking very happy together. Then it occurred to me that I somewhat knew them. Fortunately, my recollection did not fail me this time. It was her!

A nice woman winking, like my patient did, when it seemed she’d eventually succeeded in finding the right man for her.

The decisive woman with her almost scientific “questionnaire” for parents. We greeted politely, both smiling when passing each other. Some seconds later she and I turned our heads. Then I noticed her winking at me somewhat implicitly,  still smiling . Had she really succeeded with her parental interview, or was she out on thin ice again? I still cling to the first alternative!

These walks around the lake, make therapists, couples, sweethearts and lovers, even children and dogs happy.

 “Just follow my advice”, she says