Money and Happiness

Many will disagree, when I say that money in general, does not make you happy. Of course, it can! If you are poor and suddenly get an OK-paid job, win in the lottery or get an inheritance that alleviates your accommodation and household to a reasonable standard, you will be happy. At least for some time.happy with his new job

And if your children are smart or industrious or both you will be glad to send them to appropriate schools. But if your country does not have highly qualified free schools, that’s a problem without money. So if you could afford to send your children to good schools you would most likely feel happy. Schools that also enhance their student’s chances of getting a decent job that can secure their life too. Wouldn’t you then be glad? I guess so!research center

Research on happiness and money

Most research on the field of money and happiness seem to agree: We need enough money to secure our basic needs. Earning more to achieve that, and a little more extra will increase our wellbeing. Then there is a leveling out of the increase in happiness as your income or money in your bank account rises.

– Two components of happiness regarding money.

Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, specifies the concept of happiness.  She says that it is important to divide happiness associated with money into two parts.

1. The Evaluative Component, underscores that you are successful and capable of reaching your goals.

2. The Affective Component refers to the qualities of your emotional life when your income or bank account rises. That is, – how often you experience positive emotions as opposed to negative ones. Positive emotions like joy, affection, and tranquility,

– Money helps only one part of your wellbeing.

With more money on your hand the first part, the evaluative component rises and continues to rise. But that is not so with the second part; the affective component. You may for sure be happy with yourself and your success, without feeling deeply glad, at ease, and joyful.

Besides that, we must admit that happiness or wellbeing above the limit of poverty, depends mostly on your psychology, and reactions to experiences in your early and adolescent life.

– Giving away money

But there seems to be one important investment you can do to sustain and improve happiness and well-being.  That is to give away some of your money to people who need them.

Elizabeth Dunn is a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia. This psychologist is also co-author of the book “Happy Money”. She has done many experiments on this topic. Her experiments began by handing out cash to students on campus.

She told some of them to spend it on themselves and others to spend it on someone else. What happened to their feelings? When tested, – those who spent money on other people were happier than those who treated themselves.man giving money

Prof. Dunn has since repeated the experiment in other countries across the world. She has extended it to look at whether people were still happy when it was their own money they had to give away, not only money she had given them for free. She also found that in countries as different as Canada, South Africa, and Uganda, giving away money made people happier. Even when it was their own money people gave away, they were still very happy about it. And this was the case even when they themselves were relatively poor.127239288-billionaire-investor-warren-buffett-and-microsoft_jpg_CROP_cq5dam_web_1280_1280_jpeg

We know that in the US. billionaires and other rich, endow themselves in charity and considerable donations. Both astronomically rich Warren Buffet and Bill Gates expressed in 2010 when they wanted to donate 99% of their wealth to charity, that they had never been so happy.

As a Scandinavian, it is typical for me to ask why they could not gladly give away these amounts of money as regular taxes, year by year. The globalized economy is not transparent and it is a problem that some business corporations for example like Google and Facebook, do not pay taxes to the countries they earn money in. (Yes, some of these companies give donations to charity, but often these donations seem to be motivated by improving image and reputation.)YachtsPanamaCity040416_large

We know that the welfare in most western democracies is declining, money gets into fewer and fewer hands, and wages for ordinary people have fallen. This has been the trend since 1975 and deregulation of banks and taxes started with Reagan and Thatcher.

When these extremely rich companies do not pay a cent, it is difficult to feel very much happiness, when with just an ordinary income, you give away money to the state as taxes. It could be much more gratifying, Francis J. Flynn in Stanford Business Grad. School says after studying research that looks into what people are willing to pay for.mossack-fonseca-reuters_650x400_81459741007

Flynn argues that if you come from a country with a more equal distribution of wealth, like Sweden and Japan, you are more likely to be happy for contributing to the common welfare system than if you come from Italy or Singapore. If you also knew how your money was used, that would absolutely increase your willingness to contribute.Paying-Taxes

I challenge taxation bureaus all over the world to use their imagination and this knowledge of happiness and giving away money- relation, to think new about presenting this burden to people and companies. Then not as a burden, but as a “willed donation of their money”, to build infrastructure, schools, rails, airports, hospitals, social security, etc. Something we do together. Here we must have in mind the “evaluation component” of money and happiness.

tax paying

You must feel successful and smart when you pay your taxes, not a stupid idiot that does not know how to avoid taxation. We also know that countries and states with large differences between rich and poor are much more unstable than countries with more equal distribution. In addition to that, it is important to remind company leaders, owners, and shareholders, that countries with a solid welfare base for their citizens and abroad and prosperous working middle class, stimulate business life, not the contrary.

Conclusion:

There seems to be a stronger boost in feelings of wellbeing and happiness, by giving away money to others, than spending it on yourself. This goes for people in rich and poor countries alike.

But having little and getting enough to realize some important goals in life makes you happier than having already much and getting even more. Money gives you status and a feeling of having acquired some important goals in life. This is “the evaluative component” that rises with the size of your bank account.

The other component, “the affectional”, i.e. how often you experience positive emotions like joy, affection, and tranquility, as opposed to negative ones. This part of happiness and money does not often follow the other.

I think it is wise to relate money and happiness to a temporary boost in your ground level of mood. The ground level of mood as such is a much more permanent emotional state. It combines feelings and levels of energy, optimism, and faith in the future. This part however is not much altered by having more money.

The best part of having money is to use them wisely, Sonja Lyubomirsky argues. That is to be grateful for the things you buy, house, or equipment. Don’t forget the first day you bought your new mac or pc. Keep that feeling in mind. If you always raise expectations together with your salary, you will always need more to be satisfied. And you’ll never be, I might add from psychological experience.

To keep up your wellbeing then, share money with others! It need not be millions. Giving away money is an experience with other people that is underestimated. And it will give rise to a wide array of positive feelings. The second best is: Buy experiences more than things because experiences are, believe it or not, more lasting, and they feed the affectional component and elicit a wider spectrum of positive emotions than things.

Our Sexual Universe

When Sexuality Derails

This article is about forbidden sex, following an introduction to normal sexuality as ubiquitous. Here we try to understand the mechanisms of deviant and dangerous sex, so that we can take our precautions.

For understanding a variant of female sexuality we recommend Psychological Universe’s: http://www.selvuniverset.com/2018/01/16/fed-sex-just-way-done/

For an  understanding why male sexuality has been considered being a big problem for the human race: The sexuality of men, – unspoken aspects.

For a specific sexual problem for young males read: http://www.selvuniverset.com/2016/12/02/he-cant-get-it-up/

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The shadow of devestating and forbidden sex, by jemini

Sex as Omnipresent. A short Introduction.

Family bathing as naked as when they were born

(Sometimes sexual tensions are less present among naturists without clothes, as the above family group, than among people with colourful wrapping around their private parts.)

What is it more to say about human sexuality  than has already been said or written? There are thousands of books available in libraries and in book stores on this topic. And there are certainly many more to be written. These few paragraphs cannot replace this vast knowledge. Nor can it pay honour to all the research in this field.

I write about a special painful corner of our sexual universe this time. That is to help understanding and explaining more of  why it exists. Mostly I want to pay attention to some crucial mechanisms that make it persist. The mechanisms that underlie those cases of sexual aggression, violence and pain that we hear about in the news everyday.

Sex is everywhere.

It’s possible but rather futile to deny that sex has an omnipresent position in our lives. Both Sex as gender, and sex as reproduction, as well as sexual activity between  people has a powerful effect on us. In many ways it seems to dominate our subconscious psychological universe.

Marketers have known this since the 1850’s. Today it is difficult to avoid sexually suggestive advertising, not to mention pornography. An example of that: I started this Site in May 2015(not as archive says 2014). Back then I used to get proposals in the comments to put naked women on the website to increase public interest!

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It is no exaggeration to rank sex close up to our basic need for water and food, care and contact, clothing and shelter.pyramid of basic human needsA pyramid of human needs derived form Abraham Maslow

Sex as prohibited

Even in human lives were sexual contact is absent, sexuality is present in some way. As restricted or prohibited for different reasons; – physical, religious or by incarceration, – sex is somewhat shining in its absence.

You may ask yourself why so many dogmatic and conservative Christians are preoccupied by sex. They seem to immerse themselves in other people’s sexual activities. This even more than they indulge in compassion for others. Advocating solidarity with the least privileged, helping the poor, the discriminated and people in need of protection, seem to rank lower on their agenda.

Didn’t Jesus  walk with the outcast? Didn’t he acknowledge  the prostitutes,- more for their status as fellow humans, than for their promiscuity?

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“I am pure as a Saint. It is you that carry the devil’s sin.”

It’s a well known unconscious strategy in our psychological universe, to assume that others have the flaws in their personality and behaviour that we deny and despise in ourselves. That mechanism is called projection.

Psychoanalyst C.G.Jung held that all these tendencies that we don’t accept in ourselves, seek refuge in our so called Shadow. The harder we are being on ourselves, the more our Shadow will expand. Accordingly we will also be using more projection, along with enhanced distortion of the conception of others, in accordance with our shadow properties.

When the urge for sex goes undercover.

Then what happens when marriage is prohibited in the Catholic Church?  Is the denied desire for sexual contact only transformed into a stronger devotion for God and for good deeds? We know that the urge for sex in such environments, often goes undercover, until it comes to the surface in media as child abuse.

Why do we hear so many reports of Muslim extremist both in the middle east and in Africa, for example Nigeria, that kidnap, violate, and mass rape small girls? In Nigeria this year 300 are reported killed, many of them children.

NIGERIA_GIRLS_BOKO__698466aBoko Haram imprisoned girls

Sex as genes and hormones

I have recently shown that there is no empirical evidence from later research in genetics, to assume that psychological traits, personality, and psychological disorders are determined by the Genes.

Regarding sex as gender, sex as reproduction and sex as sexual interest, however it is otherwise. Here we certainly are mostly influenced by our Genes . Genes that trigger maturation of our body, from childhood through puberty and maturity, all the way up to old age.

But as soon as we leave the basic ground for making us physically ready for sex, – psychology and social experiences takes over. Our sexual activities, meaning the forms of sex we seek and enjoy, are much more complex. Still sexual activities interact and are reinforced by hormonal Activity. These are particularly neuro-chemical substances that makes us feel strong pleasure.exhibitions                Exibitionist trigging positive attention in his audience

sylvia-sleigh-concert-champetrePainting by artist Sylvia Sleigh

From sex as love and joyfulness, to sex as aggression and pain.

Anyone who has experienced the combination of sex and love in a relationship is fortunate. They will all know that this is an unbeatable physical and emotional joyful experience.

Throughout history and especially in our outspoken times, anger, pain and sex however, seem to be more and more interwoven in the texture of our sexuality. Sometimes this triadic combination however is even acted out in what we may call rather perverted sexual forms that seem to hurt one part in the relation more than to please.

 Sex without respect and reciprocity.

This kind of sex is not based on mutual consent, and underlying respect. It is mainly based on exploiting others through a position of power in the relation, and in afflicting fright and pain onto the victim.

This has very little to do with playing roles between supposedly equal grown ups, as in BDSM bondage sex. This is what I would call traumatic and traumatizing sexuality that does not relieve tension and excite mutual positive feelings in the relation. It only creates a bizarre desire and tension release, in the abuser, and fear, pain and disgust in the abused. Not to mention trauma!

Traumatizing sex

On weekly basis I meet victims of what Robert Stoller called “erotic forms of hatred”. These young people have experienced harsh exploitation from grown ups that they are supposed to have trust in. Not only have some of them been sexually seduced. Most of them have been violated and forced into very painful sexual activity.

When you meet an offender, – I no longer do, because when I out of 34 different types of patients have 5 victims of sexual violence, I concentrate my work on their pain and trauma, not the offenders. But when I met abusers, in my earlier work, truth to tell, I found them sadly depressed most of them, with much anxiety and intense psychological pain pent up in their muscular tissue, and body.

The psychological universe of the offender.

There are naturally different types of offenders. The child abusers I met were seldom consciously aware of their anxiety ridden behaviour. They were just somewhat restless, they told, and it seemed that their shameful acts with minors often had a tension relieving effect on their whole psycho-physical being. Just temporarily, – I must add. Since, soon after they restarted the hunting for children to rape.

Some very few of these men, felt bad about their acts. This is how life is, the common underscore was. –You know that, don’t you, they could say to me with a condescending glance.

Their psychological uneasiness and physical restlessness left little room for reflection and bad consciousness and remorse. If something like that surfaced their mind, they rapidly acted it out with alcohol, drugs or tranquilizers, even sexual fantasies about future abuse.

 Sex as a painkiller.

Sex is widely known by neuropsychologists to elicit neuro-chemicals that makes us feel aroused, exited, and well. Most of these chemicals are Dopamine, Oxytocin, Phenylethylamine and Endorphins, (endogenous morphine).

In sexual addicts, and risk-takers, very anxious people, gamblers and the notorious aggressive the dopamine levels are extremely high. In some drug addicts, low-achievers, and depressed the dopamine levels are extremely irregular and variable.

Dopamine makes the abuser feel very excited when he catches the victim. Phenetylamin that has the same effect as chocolate and cocoa, give him energy, positive mood, and sharpened attention. Contact with the victim’s skin may trigger secretion of oxytocin, the so called love hormone. In the battle to control the victim, however, dopamine and endorphin will take over and his psychological pain, both emotionally and physically, will be relieved! Back is some kind of ecstasy and delight, and a point of no return.

The abuser and the abused.

If the abuser has been a sexual victim himself in his life, he is now in control. The fright, helplessness and pain, is in the other, – the child. He the abuser can then empty all his despair, hate, despise, and lust, onto “the ungrateful little child whore and beast”! With a mixture of power and grandiose feelings, and hateful disgust for the poor child, he gets his heroine like sexual ecstasy that melts all good and bad feelings into an extremely tense euphoria.

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When this is all over, the prolactin level rises in his brain, and now comes the withdrawal face. He is exhausted, and even small moments of disgust from what he has done, can occur together with nonspecific sadness.

Sexually acting out the trauma

For sure sex and sexual abuse can alleviate pain and irreconcilable emotions in the abuser, for some stolen moments. It can function as a temporary healing of wounds. But by acting out his trauma, by re-erecting the traumatic scene he once was trapped in, he continues the tragedy, by even passing it forward to the next generation. And is he really relived? Absolutely not! He has to re-enact this scene again and again until he is caught and incarcerated, and get psychotherapy.

Suggest help and friendship, not condemnation. Changing habit is necessary for the perpetrator, but difficult to manage alone.

Please, if you know someone, or feel you are in  danger of killing your psychological pain through sex with minors, stop and think twice.

This person or you yourself, carry a heavy burden of shame and guilt,  if you do not avert this act, such acts do inflict serious pain and tragedy on that young boy or girl for the rest of their lives. And you cast a persecutory black cloud over your dignity and life!

– The “very nice abuser.”

Remind yourself that even child abusers are different kinds of people. Some of them are even nice and charming people with all kinds of important jobs in the society. They are not violent and brutal, and believe in some way that even the child and minor may enjoy the sexual activities, at least after being introduced to the “rules of the game,” and used to it. They start the process with the child in an appearently very careful and gentle way.  But then after winning the childs trust, they gradually cross the crucial border of the childs sexual integrity, and exploit the child for their own sexual gratification. This is their gross betrayal of the child.

Don’t ruin this little girl and boy’s future! by 123RF.com

– There is a good chance to change this severe habit.

Most of these abusers, or even you if you unfortunately should belong to this group, will stop after being  caught or after receiving therapy. I hope you do even after just having read this article. However; An important start is  talking with someone neutral about it.  To all the others reading this, try being such a person to talk with.

And for you, if you abuse children, take a chance and talk too another person if you suspect that something is wrong with your sexual preferences. Be careful to pick a person that will not overreact and scare you from doing the right thing. Perhaps a priest or a person that will motivate you in the right direction and not immediately go to the police.  For your friends and soulmates if you have some I will say:  Do it in a friendly but serious manner. Only very few child abusers are beyond correction. Many are lonely and need friends or someone to talk to and confide in.

Don’t hate yourself even if you belong to this category of sexual attraction.

Self-despice does not ameliorise the situation. On the contrary, you need to restore self respect, by understanding what has happened to you, and deciding to change your habits. Most likely, it is not your fault that you are excited and sexually attracted to children. A lot may have happened in your life that has stopped your normal sexual development. But as an adult, it is your fault if you put this desire into practice and exploit children.

If you on the other hand has had a reasonably normal sex life, but constantly have to cross boundaries to achieve sexual gratification, you also should definitely seek help. In this area of problems, certain types of porn on the web can be very harmful.

 Pornography with Boy and Girl, by Meziers.blog

Last but not least: To share the secret with a non-pedophile friend, is an important start in realizing that this kind of sexual acting can and must come to an end.

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HOW TO GET A META PERSPECTIVE ON YOURSELF AND THE WORLD.