Erectile dysfunction or just some temporary doubt about masculinity?

To be a real man you must be able to satisfy your woman sexually. That is at least what most men think about themselves and their role in a sexual relation. For this reason, men from time to time, feel a heavy burden on their shoulders when it comes to sex.

Women can both pretend they like their partner sexually, and that they want sex. Men on the other hand, are stripped naked, with so to say, the truth about their desire shining between their legs.

For other articles about sexual issues and problems see: 1.  “Fed up with SEX , or just the way men do it?”http://www.selvuniverset.com/2018/01/16/fed-sex-just-way-done/

2. Deviant Sex :http://www.selvuniverset.com/2016/07/18/from-our-sexual-universe/

Sometimes he’s almost scared to go to bed with her

It’s difficult to make believe this did’nt happen.

And what then, if it won’t get up, even if he wants so, and wants that woman very much. Yes, you know the answer, if you’re a man, – young or mature. And you also know the reaction, if you are female and have experienced this once or twice with a man:

He panics! His world is tumbling down. This can crush his self-image as a man in a minute.

What’s happening here?

And he is not 60 or 70 years old. He is in fact young. Between 18 and 40 years old. A man in his best years. And he is not suffering from the relatively rare diseases and damages on the penis, groin and prostatic glands that can result in troublesome erection disorders. This will naturally also effect the psyche and self-confidence, even if the disorder has a known reason.

When the cause is unknown however, it is much more difficult to cope with for the man. If he is 70 or 80 years old, this situation is somewhat expected and he can usally look back on many years of normal erectile function.

         An old man can comfort himself with his previous  potential.

What if  the man is very young?

If he’s 22 he has nobody to speak with about this delicate matter. You don’t “brag” about this to your male buddies, not even your doctor. Young men have even difficulties in complaining about depression and anxiety.

    How easy is it to share this with your collegues or friends?

Girls can, and they do, according to statistics where they score much higher on depression and anxiety. Young men don’t relate to such problems openly, and drop out of school and even life if they feel very isolated in their ruminations.

For this reason Psychological Universe will primarily focus on the young and healthy man this time. A young person who undeserved experience that his tool for sexual pleasure is down when it absolutely should be up.     

How widespread is this condition called ED?

The greek temple Erekteion, in Athens.

According to the National Institutes of Health, 30 million men in the US, have trouble with their erectile function. That means their male pride won’t get hard enough to penetrate and carry through the intercourse.

Of these 30 million men, 26 percent are young between 18-40 years old. That is:  7 million 800 thousand frustrated and anxious men. When they are emotionally upset, this is not necessarily because they are psychologically out of balance in the first place. It’s more like a reaction to not managing “the manhood test”.

Journal of Sexual Medicine suggests that ED is more common among younger men than previously thought. Researchers found that ED affected 26 percent of adult men under 40. Almost half of these young men suffered from severe ED. (JSM 2013)

Patients waiting outside my clinic, or just the International Airport in my City?

What can be done with such a problem?

I often meet young persons in clinic that suffer from erectile dysfunction. Usually I address it openly as a time to time experience for all men. Most often however the young man only admits the problem after a long trust building phase.

He then usually call it “some problems with erection”.  And this problem is not the one he initially is referred to the clinic for. Anyway that is a good start! Improving the young person’s psycho-social context, may  also facilitate his capacity in bed!

Since I am a clinical psychologist, I consider the psychological angle of any emotional, medical or relational problem especially relevant. For that reason, I think it’s important to find out how this disorder affects his life and his thoughts about himself.

Has he had this before? How long has it been going on? What does he think about the reason for this problem? How sad and lonely has he felt with these experiences and thoughts? Has he still a girlfriend, or sexual relations? Not the least; – how has he tried to solve the problem, himself?

The causes for ED, or erectile dysfunction.

Earlier, problems with erection and satisfactory intercourse was labeled impotence. That concept has an intimidating tone, and is rather dysfunctional itself. If he by any chance uses this concept, I try catching up with what he really put into it.

If he usually have an erection when he is not with a partner, that’s important to know. If there is no reason to suspect an underlying medical condition, we don’t need to involve an urologist. We can then concentrate on finding out what he and his partner expects of each other.

If he won’t tell about it himself, I go for some facts about what can impair his sexual function. Alcohol is a well known factor that inhibits sexual function, the more you drink. Marihuana is also reducing the capacity.

Many young men get their ED triggered by episodes of unsuccessful sex in relation to alcohol.  At the same time, he may be  in a difficult or stressing life situation regarding school, university or job.          Such a combination easily adds to the problem.

Worst case is ridicule or his woman believing he’s  gay, when he is not.

When you are already  in a period of sadness, depression, stress and disappointment, problems pile up in many areas, Then it is understandable that also his normal erectile function  can be impaired for some time. For the guy, however this is always a shock to discover!  Experiencing that one of his most important channels for leisure and recreation is somewhat blocked, makes him terrified.

No wonder one female partner complained that her sweetheart grossly overeacted when it happened: “He  acts like it’s the end of the world,” she could tell.

From his viewpoint,  sex with his partner is often his only opportunity for physical closeness to another human. It is also  through sensual pleasure he has managed to refill his batteries,         In an otherwise rather hard and dull every-day, sex has been his rescue. If he now starts doubting himself, negative thoughts can easily follow him into the bedroom too. That’s why it hurts so much when this is what happens!

He is sexually aroused, but derails from the track.

This may happen, even if he is very excited in the first place. The closer he gets penetration or even ejaculation, he may derail from his ordinary track. Then he looses both confidence and hardness. Flaccid and ashamed he ends up sitting on the bedside, with his head in his hands. She, on the other hand, claps him gently on the shoulder.

These scenes are really what he hates the most. She’s not happy his girlfriend either. But she does not despair llike him.

The generation satisfy, produce, deliver or disappear.

Young men and women have learned about sex from porn since they were twelve. With the sex Industry as main educators and models on the field, that’s one-dimensional teaching. Then you most likely end up believing  you have to be a versatile sex-machine every time. In other words, always sexually, aroused, very well equipped and successful in all kinds of sexual positions and variations.

Here we must immediately lower the expectations! We must give room for days with less energy, were closeness skin to skin, fondling and kissing, is good enough.

Men, mostly dependent on one night stands, checking up women at bars or via internet, are most vulnerable to ED problems. That is of course because they only have that small moment of opportunity embedded in the one night stand’s encounter.

Pills or a healthier diet?

When these men get caught in performance anxiety, and sexual stress, most doctors recommend pills like Viagra, Cialis and Levitra. At least for overcoming the damaging worries, and experience to be on track again.

Viagra or Ginger? Try Ginger before you take Viagra!

I never recommend pills before other less chemical approaches have been tried. Two of these approaches are simple but not always as easy as it can appear in the first place. Many young men use porn on a daily base. I recommend to jump that habit for some days, in advance of a sexual encounter with their partner. This will increase their sexual desire and lower the threshold of sexual ignition.

Secondly, I will ask the guys not to masturbate in at least two days before they’re having real person to person sex. That will reestablish their sexual hormone levels, and followingly increase sexual lust and capacity.

When trying to remedy erectile dysfunction, we also focus on alcohol. If any alcohol at all, more than two units of beer or wine, will not be recommended. Cigarettes impair blood streaming, and here too. reduction of smoking is favorable.

Some say nice, but  doctors say not very sex-friendly in large quantities

Dont focus on penetration,  – be close and touch each other gently!

If he and his partner have a more lasting relation, there is still much to do. As already mentioned all forms of sensual stimulation that avoids penetration can function as appetizers. In earlier days there were seldom incidences of erectile dysfunction. This was a time when men and women were not supposed to have sex before marriage,

Expectations were much lower, and the guy sometimes was ashamed of having an erection when close to his sweetheart. Not to want to have an erection is paradoxically one of the best ways to have one. For this reason, I sometimes advice the couple to be close, kiss and fondle, – but refrain from fucking at least for one week.

There are lots of things to do other than having sex with penetration.

A porn-free, alcohol moderate, and smoke-free week, very often boost their erectile function and sexual relation back on track again. Very often the couple have sabotaged the non-intercourse advice I gave.

Then I scold them harshly, saying what can they expect of success when they don’t follow my prescriptions. This make them laugh.  They can see through my grumpy doctor pretending behavior. They can also tell me that they managed to have a splendid time together, – even in bed!

Sometimes it takes a longer time to reestablish the stabile function.   Then I try to remind them that we are humans and not machines! That we in some periods of our life are exceptions of what we usually represent. And that’s ok!

We must embrace this fact. And we must try to look elsewhere for erecting his, her or their self-image and self-confidence.  If they are very desperate for a speedy solution after some mediocre trials, we try Cialis or Viagra.

This we do as an experiment, just to kick them back on track. Then later, we likewise experiment back to sex without medication, after this renewed experience.
For some very few men, neither of these approaches solves the problem. Then urologists in my country  have this piece of advice for patients to reestablish erectile function:

“ Before considering to operate an implant into a man with erectile dysfunction, all relevant drug treatment methods must be tried. That is both oral drugs such as sildenafil (Viagra) and apomorphine (Uprima) and intracavernous injections of prostaglandin (Caverject) and papaverine-phentolamine. Those who may benefit from vasoactive amines, but who are unable to use injections, should have tried intraurethral prostaglandin (Bondil). There must also be a strong desire from the patient to regain the ability to achieve rigidity and to be able to have intercourse. It is important that the patient is fully informed about what the operation entails and what he can expect to achieve. The best functional result is obtained in men who live in a well-functioning relationship and where both parties miss being able to have intercourse.“(Schultz, Hedland, Talseth 2003, Tidskriftet.)

If you feel yourself in one or the other of the categories we have discussed today, please relax. This is most likely just a transition. Some kind of an interlude where you start to wonder what life is worth without an obedient soldier. A soldier standing polite, erect and upright, at your command.

Every small and big crisis in life, is also a way to learn and grow as a person.

Without setbacks we will easily get arrogant and haughty. And with this ED issue there are many remedies. These are both  medical and psychological as I’ve mentioned. Even for the sick and severely injured in this area there are injections and operations available.

Remember the film, “A theory of everything” ! This movie is a portrait of the totally paralyzed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking, played by Oscar winning Eddie Redmayne. Believe it or not; Hawking totally lame, got three children the natural way!

With these normal erection problems, Eric Idle’s,- ”Always look at the bright side of life”, is most relevant! (From the film “Life of Brian” by Monty Python)

But by all means, visit your doctor or a counselling psychologist, if you want some extra help or advice.

Reflections on the cultural aspects of erectility.

In most original cultures, there have been cults of phallus or penis worship.  Why is that? Some of you  may have a better answer to this than me.

I believe an erect penis in these primal cultures, would somehow serve as a guarantee. A guarantee that fertility will ensure the continuation of the family and the clan’s existence.

Both classical Antiquity, with the Greek Dionysian rites, and ancient India Kamasutra tradition, are very well-known. But there are also the same kind of phallic worship traditions in Ancient Egypt, Indonesia, Bhutan, Ancient Scandinavia, the Balkans, Switzerland and in America.

– Today there are still some anachronistic examples of phallus worship in America and in Asia.

David Francis Cassidy’s variant seems rather sect-like to me. He founded his temple in 1970 as a tribute to Priapus, a Greek god of fertility. In the years since, temples have opened in Texas, New York and Canada. The temple advertise with: “There is no creation but that which is created by the Phallus. On your knees and worship Cock.”

More interesting I think is the Haeshindang Park in South-Korea. It is located on the beautiful coast of Sinnam. The park is dedicated to the memory of a young virgin woman. Unfortunately her fisherman lover left her on a rock, while he caught fish at sea.

The legend tells us that there was a storm. She drowned in this storm, because her lover catching fish, could not rescue her. After her death, no fisherman could any longer catch fish in that sea.

One day however, a fisherman pulled out his tool, and peed right into the sea. After this incident, the fish started to bite again. The villagers believed that the virgin had cursed the water after her death. The curse was lifted when she eventually was exposed for this man’s penis.

For this reason, they started to carve out giant penises for her. This was both to end her virginity and to give her fertility. Today this Memory Park is a very popular tourist attraction.

Overload with cultural symbolism and expectations makes it hard not managing to get hard.

The down to earth and practical usage of the erect penis, also involves many hidden over and undertones. This cultural symbolism is deeply imbedded in our subconscious mind . That makes the issue of ED more fascinating, but also more challenging to deal with, for the young man in trouble.

             Anyway we’ll find a way to manage our manhood!